Simplicity of love

I'm beginning to realize something, doing this whole "Christian" thing.

I hear people talk about what we should be doing to impact more people,

to save more souls,

more lives.

To rescue those who are falling,

to help the widows

the orphans

the lonely.

What can we do?

and we sit around strategizing

and optimizing

and criticizing

and rectifying

and maybe the problem isn't that we don't know how to reach these lost ones

these broken ones.....

maybe the problem is is that we know exactly what we need to be doing.

Maybe we just

can't

do it.

Maybe we know that throwing a bible verse down isn't enough

that a prayer- though incredibly, incredibly impacting

will not always make someone want to run into God's arms

Maybe we know that it will take time

and relationship building

and sacrifice

to see that widow restored to joy

to see that orphan believe in himself

to see the low made high

and the broken made whole

maybe we know it takes community

But community- it's so hard, and so messy

getting close to people, getting vulnerable-

it will hurt.

Letting people in- giving them a chance to love and be loved-

it's terrifying.

Why risk it?

Well, maybe if we make our church more trendy

maybe if we sell more varieties of coffee

then people will come

But we know that's not true

no matter how much we deny it

we know what's needed for life change

we've experienced it-

we've experienced Him

Because we remember how God Himself

broke into the messiness of relationship

when He put on skin

and walked

through the pain

and grittiness

and ugliness of humanity.

We remember how He walked without wavering

without fear of rejection or judgement

to that place where He spread wide His arms,

opening them to all of humanity, saying,

"Come, have a relationship with me".

And we cannot deny this-

that God did it best.

He didn't save people with flashy churches

or impressive programs

He saved people by humbly, and unwaverlingly, loving us.

And all He asked in return is for us to do the same.

So maybe we do know what needs to be done.

It's just a matter of, well, doing it....

Alright. Last night was the first night that I was at H20. This is a seriously awesome youth group. There were soo many students who were literally on fire for God last night, and there were a ton of kids who were super mature in their faith. It was really cool to see such a large percent of the students really engaging, and getting it. I was just kind of in shock all night. I didn't exactly know what was going on. But I DID get up on stage and get introduced, and did announcements.... and made myself look like an idiot. And after service I got to meet some students. An eleven year old kid taught me how to dougie. And I met.... a TON of people. Ha. I'm still in shock. I'm hoping that after a couple days here i'll be able to get in the groove of things. Right now i'm just having a lot of fun. A lot of terrifying, scary fun.

Yeah, i'm still terrified.

But this is definitely where i'm supposed to be, scariness and all.

Last night some of the girls from the youth group took me and the other new intern to bdubs after church. They made us each eat one blazing wing. It was the hottest thing of my life! There's a vid on my facebook wall, you should check it out!

Internship

So I started my internship in Kenoooooosha yesterday.

I like saying Kenooooosha like that. I just feel like its right.

I drove for like six and a half hours all by my lonesome.

It was really windy, and there was lots of construction.

But it was good.

And then I got here and started freaking out, because this church looks big and scary from the outside. And I didn't know anyone hahaha. And I just drove for six hours and was super tired. I totally starting panicking in the parking lot. I almost turned around and drove home. I'm still half considering it lol. Not really.

But then I got inside, literally forcing myself to go in, and I met the staff, and they're super cool. And then Pastor Jon, the pastor i'm interning for, took me and another intern to a Cub's game. It was pretty sweet. We went with this Pakistani guy named Shak, and he took us to this Pakistani restuarant. We ate this crazy food- it was super spicy. Anyways, I didn't get back to my host home til like midnight, and I woke up and came straight back to the church. So I haven't really had time to process anything.

It kinda scares me that i'm going to be here for so long. It's crazy intimidating. It's not like I miss my fam and friends now, but it's the fact that I won't see them for a couple months that kinda blows my mind, makes me scared.....

but whatevskis! It's gonna be good. I'm gonna learn a lot. But yeah, if you're reading this, give me a call or something. Chances are i'll miss you. I'm not gonna post this or anything, so no one probably WILL see this, but nonetheless....

What they said...

One of my students told his dad he loved him today....

His dad just said ok.

And this makes me incredibly mad.

Because this student is incredible. I stinkin love him from the bottom of my heart. And he has and will continue to do incredible things for God.

But his dad won't say he loves him.

Maybe this isn't a big deal to you, but if I asked you to think of something that someone said to you that drastically shaped your life, for good or bad, I bet it wouldn't be too hard to think about it.

"It's your fault this happened."

"I'm leaving."

"You drove me to this."

"Your worse than your father."

Or maybe it was an action that shaped you.

Your mom moving across the country without you

Your dad working all the time and missing your games

Someone choosing the bottle over you

Someone choosing the guys over you

Someone important leaving you.

Forgetting about you.

And now, if something little happens that reminds you of that moment where your life seemed to stop mattering, you fall apart.

And it hurts, so terribly. And all you want is for someone to prove to you that that first thing isn't true.

To say you are loved where before you felt hated.

To show that you are worth time when before you were ignored.

To show that you have potential when before you were worthless.

To give you a hug.

I've been dealing with these little moments so much lately.

And even though people are often there to help, they aren't sometimes too.

And those times threaten to ruin all relationships i've been working on because my own self- doubt and worthlessness takes over.

And I just want someone to be there to tell me it's not true.

Please someone, let me know it's not true.

It's funny, because I can tell my student that I love him, and give him life.

But I can't do it for myself.

Shoot.

Just a long week

I dare you to fail one more time

and get back up and pretend your fine

I dare you to reach out, get shut down

and reach out again

I dare you to stay strong on your own

when there's no one there to help you do it

I dare you to put the past behind you

when it keeps hitting you in the face

I dare you to believe in yourself

when the world is giving you every reason not to

I dare you to not close up

I know you want to

I dare you to hope that someone cares

when your alone and no ones there

I dare you to believe in love

I set people on fire.

I feel like I have this tendency to set fire to my relationships and watch them burn down.

I mean, I don't mean to, but if something happens that hurts, I kind of set fire to any potential threats. Relationships are always threatening.

I don't want to be like this- I hate hurting people, and not trusting people. Especially since in reality my life is going supes great.

But in my head it's like this never ending battle over whether I can trust this person and whether the relationship is worth it and it just keeps going and I don't reach any conclusions.....

this is happening now. I've been hurting, and lashing out at Roy and Jon mostly. And I hate it. they're probs so sick of me. I don't blame them.

But I want to make it better.... I hope I can.

I talked to Jeramy and Jeff last night and today. They helped a lot. I guess I just need to try to trust people.

But it's hard. Especially with Roy, and I don't know why.

UGH.

But it'll be ok, it'll be good. BAM.

Relational walls

Tonight I got into a fight with my mom.

It was about.... well, it isn't important. But I really did have good intentions with her. But she took it the VERY wrong way (she often does) and said some really hurtful things. For example, she said that I was worse than my abusive ex-step dad.

Ouch.

So I was feeling miiiiiiighty crappy.

I needed someone to be there for me, to hug me, and just hang out with me. I know that sounds dumb, but what the hey.

So I called Jeff (probs a bad place to start)

And he didn't answer. Which got me more bummed out- but it's Jeff, so I wasn't really expecting him to answer.

Then I called Roy. He was at a dinner.

Suck.

Even more bummed out. In fact, very bummed out.

So I called Jon Sanchez. And he answered.

But, see, what I needed was comfort, and his physical presence.

I needed him to be there. And he did very much try to help. But he is very intellectual... so he wanted to talk through what i was feeling and rationalize it.

But that's not what I needed.

What I needed was someone to be there. Like, in the flesh, hugging me and just BEING.

That's what i've always needed when I fall apart.

Someone to be there.

But now i'm at NCU, and my roommates gone, and no one is here to help me trough my moms dumb freak out.

And I can feel the relational walls coming up again.

Can I trust Jeff?

Roy?

Jon?

Does it make sense to question these relationships right now?

maybe not.

But I am.

It seems like for all my efforts to just let people in, there is always something there to keep me back.

The midnight hour.

This is a midnight hour.

When you come to a realization- a wrong realization, incredibly incorrect- that you are alone.

What I mean is is that tonight my roommate is gone, and everyone else is busy. And i'm here dealing with these insecurities which for some reason decided to rear their big ugly heads today.

And i'm looking at the bar which is on the left side on my browser. It shows my favorite people- I get all their updates and stuff. And its my top five guys- my heroes.

And i'm sitting here, and I can't understand what the point of it is. Why do I care about these guys? Why do I want to depend on them?

Because I can't, at least not now.

Not at the midnight hour.

And that sucks.

I want to ask for their attention, to say, "Hey, I need you RIGHT NOW."

But I don't want to be needy.

And I don't want to face the chance that they won't be there.

Jeff

Roy

Jon

Jeramy

Nick

Why the heck am I putting trust in these guys hands? I know that some of them have earned it- but have they all? And will they earn it in the future? What if they let me down?

I can't handle it.

I feel like they've let me down tonight, even though i know it's my fault.

Hence the midnight hour.

Who really cares?

Who really wants to help, to guide me?

Maybe I shouldn't ask these questions......

ugh.

I'm frustrated.

I don't know what relationships are worth the effort.

I'm confused.

But this is just the midnight hour.

I wroted something down...

It's funny that i'm angry

at what I couldn't say

but it's burning bright and constant

like some devil's ray

will you peer into the sun?

into the hurricane?

will you search for the eye of the storm?

Because I am there.

I have sent out this anger and sorrow

this burning storm

because I thought you could take it

and if you won't brave the weather

than this was all a waste

and I conjured up all of this

for naught

I am as confused and lost

as you are

I am hoping we can figure it out

I am hoping that you care enough

I am as confused and lost as you are

A great night

Tonight was a great night.

I stinkin preached at youth group!

And I didn't totally SUCK!

I know I didn't do super, by any means....

but I got my message across.

And I wasn't a nervous wreck.

Which was incredibly affirming- the fact that I got to speak into the lives of these students that I LOVE, and I didn't SUCK- it makes me realize that this is exactly where God wants me... and whats more, i'm doing something RIGHT.

Or rather, God is doing something right IN me.....

I was super thankful for this opportunity. I hope that those kids understood God's passionate love for them, and how it's our responsibility to show it to others.

I hope they'll understand that.

Another thing, is that my family came.

I don't know what that means, but it was super cool to be able to have them there for the first time I preached.

And Jeramy, and Jon Sanchez, and Roy were there. Jeff texted me to wish me good luck. It was just one of those amazing, affirming nights.

Thank you Lord.

Just a little thing....

I think that I wish I got to really hang out with Roy sometimes. Like, on wednesdays, he's always spending time with other people, and he has super great relationships with them.

And I think it bugs me because I feel like we don't spend a lot of genuine time together, except during our meetings. And i'm not really sure where our relationship stands. It frustrates me, to be honest.

But those are just my insecurities.......

Dear friend

Dear friend,

I have thought a lot about this, well, as much as I think about anything.

You see, its obvious that you have done a lot for me-

the talks, conversations, counseling, words of encouragement. The finances, the opportunities, the tough love.

I am so grateful for it. I can truly say that you have helped make me who I am today. I cannot ask for anymore, you've given me so much already. But of course I hope for more. It has become obvious that I do not need you- I only need Christ. But I do very much want you in my life. I can't imagine it without you.

This is the truth.

So please, don't leave me. I know we have ups, and downs, and I am a down right wreck sometimes. But I believe in friendship, I believe that there is a part of divine love that is shown in it, and I believe that ours has incredible value.

May I be honest? You give me so much, yet I feel like I give you nothing. And I am truly sorry for that. I hope to give you whatever I can, because you mean a lot to me. Just ask, and I will do my best.

Please, ask.

Busy days, busy days...

I almost didn't write a post.

Truth is, most of my posts are short and thoughtless.

BUT

it's because i'm so darn busy.

I have good intentions, but no time.

I promise a good entry will come eventually.

Today, I went to all my classes, and chapel, and met with Roy (love the guy) and worked out, and worked, and did homework.

and I didn't nap.

WOW, I feel so stinkin successful!

Unfortuneately, it didn't even make a dent in the work I have to do tomorrow....

oh, busy days..... busy days.

I do want to talk about how important quality time is to me.

But i'm too tired.

Night!

I hate greek/ i'm excited

Today I officially decided to try this healthy thing, for real. I'm pretty excited. I have always like looking and feeling good- it's just that usually i'm too busy or lazy.

It may be a mistake that i'm starting this healthy thing on an incredibly busy week. I'm preaching on wednesday, I have a paper on a book I didn't read due tuesday, and i'm back to full on Greek Week.

I hate Greek.

But i'm pretty excited about this working out thing, and excited about my sermon.

I'm excited.

Adele's "Someone like you"

I'm being super lazy and only posting this song. It is my new favorite, so beautiful.

Today I bought Love Wins. Super excited to read it. I'll let you know what I think.

The Usual

Ben was sitting at the dinner table, slowly consuming the lasagna his wife had made from a cardboard box in the freezer. It had been an ordinary day- he had woken up at seven, as usual, driven to the bakery, as usual. Traffic wasn't too bad, as usual, and his receptionist was wearing the usual grey skirt and jacket. Business had gone smoothly as usual, as well as the traffic home. And now, he was listening to his wife go on about her day- as usual. "I got that new synthetic butter at the store today- it's supposed to be better for you, and you know you could stand to lose a few pounds dear. And don't forget to put your suit in the laundry, I just got a fresh one all ironed out. Do you like the lasagna? It's a new brand." In fact he did not like the lasagna. But to say anything would be to ruin the usualness of everything, and he was not very fond of that idea. After dinner, they retired to the foyer,as usual, and watched the evening news, as usual. They then went to their bedroom, as usual, and read two very dry, boring novels- as usual. It was after the lights went out, and Ben was staring at the cieling, that it happened. It was as if something had taken the frame of his mind, and given it a great shake. All of a sudden he had an intense awareness. At first, he was only more aware of himself. He could feel every single inch of his body vibrating with life, he could hear the beat of his heart as loud as a drum, the breathes that he was taking as loud as the ocean. And then he began to feel other things- things he had not felt for a long time. First a flood of joy when he remembered all the good in his life- his first dog, when he got his car, when he graduated college, and when he got married. Then, a surge of sadness, when he remembered how his dog had died, when his degree lead to no job, and when his marriage began to fall apart. And finally, a tinge of fear- though of what, he could not say. Then he became aware of even more things. He could feel his wife so clearly- he could taste her hopes; how she wanted a child, how she wanted a bigger house, how she wanted all of Ben's love. He could also taste the bitterness of her disappointment. She was baren, stuck in this neighborhood with no friends, and try as she might, she knew Ben never loved her. He felt a singe of guilt. He began to feel the consciousness of all of his neighbors- he felt every hope of a promotion, or a proposal, or a new born, or a hundred other things. He felt the hurt of rejection, loss, and death. At this point tears began to stream down his face. he could not take this- he could not handle knowing all of this pain- it was too much! But his awareness kept growing. He could now sense whole counties of people, all hoping, all hurting. Except now he could see that they were trying to fix their hurts. But they were doing it all wrong. And as whole states of people swam into his mind, he saw what they were doing- they were going form house to house, looking for love in all the wrong places. They were drowning their hurts in alcohol, in drugs. They were phyically hurting themselves to make the real pain seem smaller. 'Stop!" Ben cried, "Can't you see you're making it worse!" But no one listened. And as whole nations cluttered his being, he began to scream, to wail- anything to tell them to stop hurting themselves. "There's got to be another way!" He cried, "Stop trying to do it yourselves!" He was in utter despair, now seeing the whole planet of humanity trying to heal their hurts by hurting themselves even more. "There's nothing I can do.... they won't listen." And as he said this, he became aware of another presence- not human, but even bigger. It was giant, massive, infinite in it's power. And the weight of it's heart for the poor confused people was more than Ben could handle. The incredible pressure being forced upon him was tearing him apart- such sadness, such love. It was crushing Ben- every thought and emotion in him was dwarfed, destroyed by this behemoth of love. And then Ben woke up.

On Death

"Where, oh death, is your victory? Where, oh death, is your sting?"

-1 Corinthians 15:55

I think that there is always a point in our lives where we become aware of our mortality. It is an extremely, extremely frightening thing. For me, it was about thirteen or fourteen. I remember laying in my bed, still not fully convinced that Jesus was God, and thinking- What if there is no Heaven? What if I just stop existing? What does that mean? What does that look like? All black? No, because color requires sight. And I wouldn't even have a brain to recognize a color. How can I possibly not exist? I could not comprehend it.

I still really can't.

And I would think this for a couple of hours, before comforting myself that I was, obviously, not dead yet, and wouldn't be for a long time. I also comforted myself by thinking that everyone dies, and I wasn't alone.

But here's the honest truth- we do die alone. No one can share this experience with anyone else- not your wife, or your children. It's just us. And that could be scary, I guess.

But I believe that Jesus has promised me eternal life. I believe that even though I take that last breath alone, the first breath in my new life I will take in the undeniable presence of God. And that is stinkin awesome.

I'm not anywhere near ready to die, don't get me wrong. I hopefully have a looooooong life ahead of me- tons of awesome opportunities, ridiculous mistakes.

But I am excited that, because I love Jesus, when I go to Heaven, all of those mistakes won't matter. My decision to follow Christ will be permanently fixed in eternity, and I will get to experience God's full presence. There will be no more pain, no more fear, or sickness. All tears will be dried, and all questions will be answered. I will finally be able to be who I am meant to be, free from all sin and imperfection that has hindered me. When I die, I will truly live.

Funny how that works huh?

Man, I don't want to die right now. At all.

But, as the wise Albus Dumbledore said,

"To the well organized mind, death is but the next great adventure."

Roy number two

I hate that I keep having this silly issue.

You see, once upon a time I was really insecure about my relationship with Jeff. It was kind of dumb, and i've gotten over it.

I mean, it was really dumb.

The bad thing is now i'm super insecure about my relationship with Roy. I didn't even know that could happen! I used to be super confident about our relationship- it was good, it was gravy, and I didn't expect anything. But now he's like my mentor- and i'm terrified that he's gonna let me down.

It's like, by letting him into my life- by actually letting him have a say in my life, I gave him a lot of trust.

What if he lets me down?

And now I find myself afraid to really talk to him, to really just be me around him, because I am afraid that i'm going to do or say something that will mess this mentorship up.

And I really, really value our relationship. I don't want to mess this up, I can't mess this up.

Gosh, and lately we've just been meeting on mondays, and thats the only time we hang out. I am afraid that if we only meet to talk about the heavy stuff, the real stuff- the just being friends that makes up a relationship- won't happen.

And I really want it to happen. That's what made me want Roy to be my mentor in the first place- the fact that I felt like we were on a close level, like he was one step above me, and that we could be friends more than anything.

But lately that isn't the case. Of course I hope that with time, things will balance out. That's my prayer.

But tonight was great- I should tell you about it sometime

Servanthood

So i'm speaking at my youth group next wednesday.

I say speaking because preaching sounds weird.

Any way, i'm talking about Servanthood, and the importance of a servant's heart. The idea is that if you don't understand servanthood, you don't understand the heart of God. God has redeemed us so we can be close to Him, so we can understand His heart. And part of that is being a part of humanity's redemption. We are supposed to bring light to the darkness, heal the sick, bring hope to the broken hearted. it is not just a part of being a Christian, it is the very mission Christ has called us to. I'm struggling with putting this into a cohesive sermon, and really struggling to emphasize the incredible importance of having a servant's heart. For being a Christian, it is not an option- it's a necessity. But how do I convey that?

Ug ug ug. I don't know..... but i'm working on it! Pray that it goes well!

Minecraft

Someday i'm going to sit down and write a good post. I promise.

But tonight I am sleeeeeeepy. I had a long day, and didn't get a lot of sleep last night. good news is my first class was cancelled tomorrow! YEAH sleeping in!

Y'know what i've realized for a long time, but didn't want to admit until someone else pointed it out?

I need a lot of affirmation. I mean, A LOT.

And sometimes I think that I legitimately need others to tell me things to make me feel good about myself.

But i've realized that that's not true. Actually, I think I need affirmation not to affirm ME, but to affirm the relationship in question. Still not ok, and I could probably explain better, but not tonight.

Have you played Minecraft? You should, it rocks.

Mess at the door

I'm not very poetic. I'm really not. Sometimes I try to be- tonight I wrote a story for the blog, but

A. I'm too tired to type it out

and

B. I don't think it's good enough yet.

But here's a poem I wrote a long time ago.

Yesterday
I took a box
made of cardboard
and packed away my worries,
my fears,
my pain
I taped that box shut
and set it outside
for the night to take away

But it rained all afternoon
and my cardboard box got wet
and everything I put in it leaked out
and stained my front steps black
now no one comes to visit
because theres a mess at the door
but my inside is quite wonderful,
really
If you would just walk through this mess
empty rooms that need to be filled
and no one to fill them
come in

What I don't always understand: The fear of God

Y'know, how it says in the Bible, that we need to fear God?

Sometimes i'm afraid I don't.

Y'know, when I do a little thing like tell a little white lie, or make fun of someone- even if i'm joking. Times when I blatantly do things God has told me not to, and just thing, "It's ok, God will forgive me."

Fact: God DOES forgive. Time and time again. Praise Jesus. because otherwise, I would be screwed.

Also Fact: The fear of God- literally, respecting Him and honoring Him so much that we feel a need to honor Him is also important.

Now, usually I stick to the theology that if you ask Jesus for forgiveness, you are forgiven no matter what, and obeying Him comes from your love for Him. Usually.

But when it comes to talking about the fear of God, that doesn't work. Because the fact is, I should want to follow God simply because He is, well, God. His ways are bigger than mine, brighter than mine, and much more righteous than mine.

Here's something we don't think about- God could off us at any second. He literally is so powerful that He could snap and we would die.
That's scary.
And we say things like, "He would never do that, He loves us."
That is very true.
But God is not "tame". (I'm thinking of Aslan from Narnia right now). He is not limited by our understanding of Him. What He does is right, because it cannot be wrong. Think about it. He could kill us- or worse, send us to hell.

Once again, I believe i'm forgiven and going to Heaven (Thank you lord!)
But i'm sick of letting that give me license to sin. I really want to understand this whole "fear of God" thing better.

I'm praying you do too.

What I've Learned: What do you do when your good isn't good enough.

This is literally my favorite thing ever.

And it's just in incredible song.

Because i've been thinking about this lately- what do you do when your good isn't good enough?

How many times will it take to get it right?

I've long stopped thinking that i'm the only one who feels like this. We all feel, at times, that we just aren't enough. We try so hard, we give our all, we work it out until we are tired to the bone, and it still doesn't work out.

Relationships

School

Money

Even God

And you look at others and hope they don't noticed how much you've failed, that they'll still love you if you look perfect.

So you pick yourself up and pretend to be okay, all the while inspecting your heart, trying to figure out what went wrong. Is it because you're not smart enough? Too emotional? Mean? Annoying? Ugly? Unworthy? What is it? Why do you always fail? Why can't you be enough?

Stop.

Please understand that you are enough. You are amazing. And all of those people that are judging you? Well, they are only doing it in your head. You deserve to be happy, to know that you matter, and to know that your best is enough.

This is really about me, isn't it? Always looking for affirmation, for someone to tell me i'm okay, that i'm worth love.

I'm done with it. I know i'm enough. God has called me out and set me apart. He has huge plans for me- He has already decided that i'm enough. So I refuse to let circumstances define who I am, or people define who I am. God has already done that. And He says i'm amazing.

He says i'm strong.

and smart.

and wonderful.

and that I am enough.

What do I do when my good isn't good enough?

I'm learning to smile, and let God work. Because He'll make sure i'm good enough.

I trust Him.

I love Him.

And when I think about mistakes i've already made?

Well, i'm learning to smile at those too.

I really am kind of an idiot sometimes.

But i'm learning.

AND THAT'S WHAT THIS WHOLE STINKIN BLOG IS ABOUT!

Eternity

I have a feeling that this will turn out beautiful.

In the book, The Great Divorce, C.S. Lewis talks about how, in Hell, all of your life looks like Hell when you look back. Then, of course, all of your life looks like Heaven when you enter into Heaven itself.

We are already living in eternity today. Of course, we can't understand how that works, or what that means, right now. We are still moving in time. But when we die, and time is stripped away, eternity will be all we've ever known. It will stretch back and back, into our lives. The Hell we experience after we die (if not saved) will permeate our memories of earth. The Heaven we experience will do the same.

I love this guys! The worst stuff we experience right now we will see as a joy someday. We will rejoice in our tribulations- and they will seem incredibly dim compared to the light of Heaven that we will be in.

And IF we are living eternity now, it is our job to bring "eternity" into every day life. That's what it means to live for Christ- to bring His eternity into the pain and hurt of the world. We are called to heal, to help, to love- to forceably bring the kingdom of God to those who are not part of it. That's so cool! We are embassadors of eternity! How can we take this lightly?

Does this make any sense? I don't know. But I do feel like knowing that I am living in eternity makes all of this seem to matter so much more.

Sleepy

Today was weird. Not bad though. Youth Group was cancelled, which kind of stunk, because I really depend on the community of my church. Which is crazy, because I don't always realize how much Fusion means to me (a lot).

And because there was no Fusion, I was alone for a while, and it was the unplanned alone. It wasn't terrible, but wasn't good either.

I was also really looking forward to seeing Roy and Jon Sanchez. I don't know why, but I was.

BUT then I hung out with Kevin, and we went out to eat with our friends Dana and Jon. And it was a great night out. Super great.

I was going to talk about LLLOOOOVVE tonight, but i'm too tired.

So, I am asking you to youtube the Very Potter Musical. It is my favorite thing ever.

The end.

What i've learned: This too shall pass

Today could have been a terrible day. Ya see, finances are tiiiight, and certain people are frustrating me greatly about it.

But today turned out to be great.

And I really don't have a good reason for it, except that I realized that in a month or two everything I am worried about will be gone.

It's funny, isn't it, how today's worries seem so BIG and pressing, but in reality it's hardly ever a big deal.

This too shall pass.

In the Bible, in Matthew somewhere (Yes, I am too lazy to look up where) Jesus talks about how we should just worry about today, because each day has enough worries for itself. And while I don't take that to mean that we should never ever think of the future, I take it to mean that we should look at the future with expectant hope- that the future must, eventually, get better. God kind of promises that when all is said and done, He wins, and we enter into peace. So why worry about always having enough money, or if you are making the right decisions for your future, or whether or not you are making everyone happy?

God wins. It's done.

So just worry about today. Let God worry about the rest. Ha, that's what i'm going to try to do. Do my best, and let God do the rest.

Bam.

Book money

Here's the deal-

I owe 350$ for books to school.

And I can't register for next years classes til I pay it.

And I CAN'T pay it.

lol super frustrating.

Like i've said, money stinks. And i've been doing better with tithing, but it's still really tough. Question; at what point will I not be ridiculously low on cash flow?

Poem

I wrote a poem tonight while I watched a movie. it's not very good, or finished, but here is what I got...

"Boy I am your doctor"

You say with crooked smiles

Pedaling your shiny truths

and lying all the while

You say the growth's apparent

that you see through my disguise

but I never tried to hide it

no, I never tried

And if the cancer's not a killer

it's a refuge for the soul

'cause if you come at all

you just come to go

Giving just to take

but taking more than all you need

but you never tried to hide it

so I let you take the lead

(This is the chorus.... I know poems don't have choruses but still)

So I will trust you

I will trust you

like a worm upon a hook,

a martyr for the Cross,

in chess a selfless rook.

And Oh, my heart is burning

like a city under fire

but i'll play it like a minstrel

i'll be a perfect liar

So take me into battle

let me fight your war

I'll save you like the Son of Man

once saved a godless whore

To the world i'm the victim,

and you the hero play

So save the day Mr. Hero,

oh please, save the day

That's all I wrote. I don't know what it's about....

Today was a good day.

I went to Jeff's house today. I got to spend a LOT of time with his kids. They are literally the coolest kids ever. We got to take them down to the river and play at the park. Oh yeah, Johnny Tran came with me.

Then I got to talk to Tiff, Jeff's wife, about stuff. Pretty crazy, because i've nver talked about real stuff with her before, but it was super great. Really- it was a perfect night. I am very blessed to be a part of the Wendt's lives.

And then I got to spend time with Johnny. I am incredibly proud of that young man. He has an incredible passion and vision for what God has planned for him, and it's inspiring to see that grow and come into focus.

This is going to sound weird, but it started raining while I was driving home from the Wendts, and Johnny fell asleep in the passenger seat. And I thought about Jack, Noah, Sally, Tiff, and Jeff, and how amazing it was that God was moving in their lives so IMMENSELY, and I thought about Johnny, and how God has such big plans for him, and I felt blessed. Like what I was doing mattered, because I was doing it for God. Even being a part of these peoples stories for a milisecond is an incredible gift.

Today was a good day.

What i've learned: My "core issue".

Fact: I write better blogs when i'm feeling good about life, because then i'm not writing out of raw emotion, and I can think a lot better about what I want to say.

Fact: I am incredibly blessed, in every way. I go to a great school, have a job, get to be a part of an amazing church, have a great family, and have a bunch of guys in my life who care about me.

I realize this, I do. In fact, sometimes I look at this and get confused as to why life seems tough. Why am I going through all this stuff?

I got it now, though. It's really just one thing. one root to all of my internal struggles.

Just one.

I don't trust these guys that are trying to speak into my life.

At all.

And it's not that I don't want to- heck, there is nothing more that I want than to be able to trust the relationships I have with Jeff, Roy, and Jon. But I don't. And this mistrust of "mentors" or whatever you call them- leaders- has brought so much junk into my life.

Every feeling of inadequacy and hurt can be pinned down to not feeling good enough for these kind of relationships.

But i'm trying. I keep throwing myself into these relationships, hoping that each time I will want to run a little less, that i'll be a little less angry. Sometimes it feels like i'm doing better. I can talk to Jeff without freaking out, Jon and my relationship is great, and these feelings of inadequacy are further and far between. But sometimes I still get angry. When Roy imposes rules that I don't agree with, or when I think about how Jeff left, I get incredibly discouraged.

And I know it shows, and I know that these guys don't always understand it. I know I look like a "bad" kid, or damaged goods, whenever these feelings surface. I wish I could sit these guys down (ha, wouldn't it be cool if I had a "Jonathan Council" where all of my favorite guys got together and talked about life with me?) and tell them the truth- that it's when i'm in these revolting moods that I need them most.

I don't know how I can feel secure in these relationships. Maybe words, actions- I don't know. All I DO know is that now that I understand what's wrong, I feel a lot better with everything else.

And I know that I love these guys, and I appreciate them, the best I can. I hope they know that.

I'm pretty sure that Roy and Jon will see this. Jeff won't , but maybe I can tell him....

Dear God

I wrote this letter to God. Sometimes things are more clear if you write them down, even as far as God goes.

Dear God,

Hey. I don't really know what i'm going for here. I guess I just need some direction. You see, i'm not sure i'm where I need to be. And I don't know if this is just me, or if it's you telling me to move. And if it's you telling me to move- to where? Sometimes I think I want to go to Northfield with the Wendts- but what if that's just because I want to be around Jeff? I don't want that to be the case.

And still- God, i'm struggling with being secure in my relationships with older guys. Sometimes I do super great and don't worry about the stability of these relationships, but sometimes I feel like there's no one I can trust. And that's the worst. I'm working on it, but sometimes it makes me feel all junky again. So please help me with that. Security, and stability- help me understand it.

God, I pray for help with the financial stuff.

And I pray you would help me love my Fusion guys with all of your heart. They deserve the best, they have so much potential. Thank you for them.

Thank you for all you've done for me.

Confusing relationships

This is something that has been bugging me the last week or two-

Relationships. Specifically my inability to understand how they work, or what i can expect from people.

Really, this is the only thing that is getting me flustered lately. This week has been otherwise great. But just not being able to make sense of certain relationships, of the give and take of it all, is pretty frustrating.

I made an intentional relationship recently, and ever since then i've felt really awkward around this person. It's like how I used to get all nervous around Jeff. And it's funny, because i'm not like this with Jeff anymore. But around this new relationship, I just get all quiet and nervous. I don't get it. I think that maybe it's something with authority, because before I saw this guy as a friend, but now I expect a lot more out of him, but i'm not sure.

I don't know how to fix it. My hope is that i'll be fine with time, but right now it kind of stinks. I haven't felt this weird about a relationship for a long time. I kinda thought I got passed it.

Oh well, I love the guy, and I hope this works out.

Its Wednesday and i'm too tired.

I'm tired of relationships- of misplaced expectations and getting my hopes up. It's dumb.

And when it comes down to it- it's not the person who says "you can reach out to me" who will make a difference, it's the person who says, "I will reach in and pull you out."......

Just a random thought.

What i've learned: I have a lot to offer.

I use to be afraid to talk to certain people. People like Jeff, or anyone I thought was waaaaay too cool or important for me. I know it sounds silly, but I was afraid that these really important people thought I was insignificant and annoying. I struggled with this for a long time.

This, of course, all comes down to having confidence. For a long time I had no confidence in myself. I acted on this assumption that everyone else was better than me and deserved better than me.

That's junksauce.

I'm not going to lie, i'm a pretty cool guy. If I weren't me, I would totally want to be my friend. I think that I have a lit to offer people, a lot of love, a lot of time, just... a lot.

My point is is that I got my confidence. it turns out that this crazy God loves me, and totally thinks i'm worth dying for. It turns out that if this is true, I have no reason to doubt myself, because God already said i'm enough. And all of you guys are too.

I had lunch with the worship leader of my church today. To be honest, I was pretty nervous, just because I get nervous about lunches sometimes. But it was great. He's a great guy, and it was a lot of fun. And I text the important people in my life all the time, NBD.

I know that sounds lame, and right now I agree that it's not a big deal, but there was a time where it was.....

Before I realized how much God loved me,

and that I have a lot to offer.

Counseling

So.... I asked Roy to meet with me regularly....

He gave me a contract I had to sign....

Which is cool, because now he is one of my "mentors"...

But there was a stipulation in that contract...

So...

I have to start going to professional counseling.

And to be honest? I'm completely terrified.

I'm scared that people will look down on me and think that i'm unstable or something for having to do this. I'm afraid that my youth kids will think less of me because of it. I'm afraid to admit that I might actually get something out of this.

Let me be clear, I would never choose to go to counseling on my own. In fact, I have always rejected the idea. I believe that personal healing comes in the context of close relationships- and I don't think that counseling works in that venue. But I really, really, really respect Roy, and if this is what I have to do for him to be the voice in my life that I need him to be, i'll do it. I struggled with this for days, trying to decide if counseling was worth Roy- and as much as this sucks, and it's difficult for me (because I still hate the idea of counseling) I'm going to do it.

So that's that. I hate admitting that i'm weak. But the fact is, in some areas of my life I am. Hopefully this dumb counseling thing will help me pinpoint those areas and improve them. Roy said I could just not tell anyone- but that's not how I role. Honesty is the best policy, transparency is the best policy.

If you have any questions about this, just ask me. I'm trying to have a good attitude about it, I really am.

It can't be that bad, right?

Compromise

I've had this internal battle all weekend. And it really sucked.

Do you ever get into those situations where no matter what you lose?

I am in one, and it's making me really angry.

And I don't think anyone really understands how tough it is. I feel like they think it should be easy for me to make a decision. But either way i'm making a compromise that I don't want to make.

This sucks. I wish someone would understand that and help me make the right choice. No matter what I feel uneasy about everything.

SO SHOOOOORT

It's not happening tonight.

Feeling Stuck

I'm really really frustrated right now. You see, I had this great idea that I was going to really make a push to doing better in my life, to be more successful, to be more "put together". I really put a lot of effort into this. I talked to people, I asked for help.

And really, what I feel like I got was the idea that I wasn't "good enough", that I was super messed up, and that I had a long way to go. Yeah, I did want honesty, and I know that they weren't trying to sound like that, but they did. And I tried to just take it in and make the best of it, and do what I was told to do, but i'm just really frustrated.

I'm sick of being told i'm wrong, that i'm messed up and need to really be fixed. Believe it or not I know that- and I thought that I was trying my best to do better, to get the guidance I need- but it feels like it still isn't good enough.

This stinkin hurts! I go out of my comfort zone, and all I get is advice that is really hard to take. The fact is is that I don't have the money or time to do anything more than i'm doing. I am literally trying my hardest.

But nope, try a little harder.

I feel pretty defeated. Maybe this whole thing was a bad idea. Maybe I should just try to work on myself.... myself.

Maybe i'm just tired and crabby because i've done nothing this week and i'm lonely.

I don't know.

But i'm pretty pissed.

Spring Break

So, this week was my spring break. I'm pretty bummed about it to be honest. All I did was work at Mcdonalds 's and.... welp, that's it.

And I don't really know what I expected. More time with people I care about? More time for me to get direction? Ha. All i've done is sit on the couch and play Pokemon or work. It's a little disappointing.

Also, someone said something today that made me think about how I screwed my internship up. And I really, really regret it. It's like I destroyed this huge opportunity I had.

And now i'm thinking something else- what if some of the rejection I feel is self-imposed? What if I purposefully distance myself from people so I won't get hurt? I mean, I can think of times when I do that, even today- pretending like I don't care when I get cancelled on, acting like a jerk so people won't realize that i'm afraid they don't like me...

And it's so dumb and childish! Hahaha, oh man.

Right now I feel pretty lame. Tomorrow is my last day off of spring break, and i'm doing absolutely nothing. It really stinks. But this is just me complaining. And that's ridiculous.

Ash Wednesday

I can't add much to this, it's so beautiful.

Really though, today was Ash Wednesday- a day where we contemplate and reflect on our own mortality, where we humbly except the fact that we are simply ashes and dust but for the breath of God- that without Christ we are literally nothing.

Just contemplate that for a second- listen to the song and think about how small and fragile we are, how we are here one day and gone the next. Then think about how the God of the universe died on a cross despite how insignificant we are.

Beautifully humbling......

take a sec, and pray, and really thank God for what He has done for you.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust....

What i've learned: Our responsibility to love

Right now, I am baking an angel bundt cake.

I love this, because I love angel cake, I'm really excited about the orange glaze I made for it, and I stinkin love the word "bundt". So basically, this is the best thing ever.

Also, I just told my sister a story about a daddy who loved his little girl so much that he gave all his money to a man so he could rescue her from a candy shop. Oh yes, my gospel story was very sweet and cute. But I got to talk to my little sister about Jesus, which I love.

I, uh, want to talk about love tonight. Loving people, loving friends, really loving them. It's a big deal. You see, I know a boy who kind of lived in a fog once. He just kept going with life, not really sure about his passions, his purpose. Heck, he didn't know that he had a real, hard, living purpose. He just was moving along.

In the Bible, God makes a big deal about love. I mean, He sent His son to die for us BECAUSE of His love. And sometimes i'm not sure we really appreciate what that means. The Bible says we are called to love- that we will be known as believers in Christ through our love. That is not to be taken lightly at all.

This boy- he ended up getting really involved with a youth group. And at first he wasn't too into it- he believed in God, but he didn't understand the point of church, or really, what actually living for Christ meant. He couldn't move from being nominal to being an authentic Christian, and he didn't know why.

It's embarrassing sometimes, because we Christians are responsible for things like the Crusades, and some of our more uh.... "spirited" brothers are responsible for Gay hate rallies and such. And it's so terribly unbiblical! No wonder so many people think Christians are narrow minded hypocrites- the fact is that sometimes we are.

We were called to heal the world with real, crazy, authentic love.

Not hurt it with blind, dumb, and spiteful hatred.

When we miss the mark on this, we tear the Kingdom down instead of building it up.

But i'm not saying that we are all bad.

This boy began to get discouraged. He stopped going to church for awhile- he just didn't care. And then an amazing leader stepped into his life. This youth leader built this boy up, stuck through life with him, gave him a hope and vision for his future- showed him Christ's love. He brought him to faith, brought him to life. He let God work through him.

When we love, we get to be a part of God's mission to bring the world back to life. We see it in the small things- a kid's smile, a repaired relationship, emotional walls being broken down. We see it in the big things- huge movements where people are reborn and resurrected as a single body of believers, incredibly selfless acts done because of faith, relief brought to dark places all for love. This love that can heal the blind, this love that can resurrect the dead, the love that can heal my very soul- it must be shared. It was created to be shared- it is, in fact, not love if not shared.

It is not love if not shared.

Jeramy Wheeler is like my older brother now. I'm pretty much positive I will always have him in my life. It is because of him that i'm following Jesus today- really, it is. I wouldn't be who I am without him. And yeah, I have so many people who I can attribute to who I am today, but it is because Jeramy chose to love like Christ that my life was changed.

I don't know what to say guys, except.... we need to love, and we need to be radical about it. Don't let your fears or presuppositions keep you from reaching out with Christ's love to someone. No one will reject you- everyone wants love. I promise. I am an example of what love does- heck, we all are, because God created us, He loves us, and He wants us. Desperately. And we get to be a part of showing people that.

By the way, my orange-glaze-angel-bundt-cake is done. And it's stinkin delicious. MADE FROM SCRATCH PEEPS, made from scratch.....

A comment on mentors

When I think about the fact that I am allowed to be a Fusion Leader, it blows my mind. That God trusta me with shaping the lives of these students- that THEY trust me to lead them- it astounds me.

In fact, when one of them tells me what God has done for them through me, I stinking love it.

Now, it used to be that I was embarassed about how much I looked up to the leaders in my life. I was half in awe of them, and half afraid they would let me down so it made me not want to let them know that I cared.

It's not like that any more. in fact, I need to regularly let them know that I care, that I don't choose just anyone to influence me, and that they shouldn't take the job lightly.

That's what i'm doing now.

Here's the deal-if I have been intentional with you, if I have texted you, or talked to you, or opened up to you, or signed a dumb contract for you (oh yeah, I went there lol) it is because I need you. I desperately, desperately need you. Yeah, I know i'm an emotional guy, and this looks pretty dramatic, but it's not. Right now, I am placing part of my well being in your hands. I trust you guys to have a big input in my life- to the point where I will take your advice over my own. And because of this I need you to understand two things:

1. If I am letting you have this kind of influence in my life, you need to assume that I love and respect you, think that you are more than worthy for this role in my life, and that I have no negative presuppositions of you. I've already talked through this with certain guys, but I need to remind you that I need you to be strong. Because i'm learning how from you. And when I say strong, I don't mean like you have it all together, but that you are at least confident that I see you as good enough.

2. If I am letting you have this influence in my life, I am hoping you won't let me down. I use to keep this whole shell up where I acted like I didn't care. Well, I don't do that so much anymore, and because of that, i've had to be a lot more vulnerable. And i'm fine with that, but also know that I am terrified of getting hurt. Especially from people that I hold in such high regards. That would suck. It does suck- it's happened before lol.

That's what I have this late at night lol- I get wrapped up in Pokemon and forget to blog so I only do it when i'm tired! Shoot!

But seriously guys- I wish I could adequately explain how much you're influence means to me, how much YOU mean to me. Because you really, really do.

This train is moving

So I talked to this guy who was supposed to be my mentor. We tried to work something out, but he still insisted that I do that one thing that I didn't want to. I said I would, but it really sucks, because I still really don't want to do that thing, but now I have to. And BECAUSE I don't want to do that thing, I feel like i'm being really immature.

Ugh lol. I feel like i'm making a lot of sacrifices and bending alot for this relationship. I'm not sure if that's a good thing, or a bad thing, or just a thing. But i'm praying that this will help me out.

Obviously, the point with all of this is that I want to surround myself with a few good men, men who will lift me up and help me figure life out. And I will do a lot towards that goal, even if it sucks.

I just pray that i'm doing the right thing here. I mean, it feels right, but with all the hoop jumping it just doesn't seem.... I don't know.

Sorry these entrys are sucking, it's just that when my life starts going fast, i'm just going to write about whats happening hahaha. So.... YUP

My life as of now

I promised Kevin that I would write that he and I watched Charlie Sheen interviews tonight.... so I did hahaha.

Here's whats going on with me- last weekend was amazing and eye opening to me. It made me want to take control of my life and really try to be the man God wants me to be. So this week, I straightened up my room, I became a lot more intentional with my time, and I started to seek out more men that I thought could positively influence me- men who I trusted and loved.

Here's what happened- I met with a certain guy about this, and...

A. He first suggested a guy that I don't know, which doesn't work for me, because unless I know or trust someone i'm not going to be personal with them at all.

B. He said he would mentor me.... but he asked a lot in exchange. In fact, so much that I don't think it's going to work. And now i'm really angry and discouraged about the whole thing. I trusted this guy enough to ask for him to be intentional with me, and it's just kind of sucky that it won't happen. It's hard to explain without going into too much detail, but it almost made me feel worse about everything when my intention was to feel more successful and purposeful with my life.

So shoot lol. I don't know, I guess it's between me and God. Who, by the way, is stinkin awesome. Even now He's helping me be more successful.

And so is Jon Sanchez... he's been super great through everything, and it just makes me feel like I can trust him even more.

And maybe this other guy has a point, and I definitely love him and appreciate him, I just didn't expect this whole mentor thing to be so difficult.

WHATEVSKI'S

Fun Friday

I'm not really going to post today. I had an INCREDIBLY frustrating day- not bad, because I had coffee with Jon Sanchez, and it was super great- but frustrating because of something else, which is really getting under my skin and stuff. Ha. But i'm cool. Here's a link to something that is super funny.

http://www.comicsalliance.com/2011/03/03/letters-to-an-absent-father-mare-odomo-pokemon-comic/

What i'm proud of-

You know what i'm super proud of?

My men at Fusion Inc.

Sometimes I call them boys because they act like it, sometimes I call them men because I want them to live up to it, and sometimes I call them men because they deserve it.

Lately, they've definitely deserve it.

It's been amazing to watch these men grow from, well, boys these last couple of years. They went from all being completely different and all being in very different spiritual places to this amazing brotherhood of Christ seekers. Last night at youth group, one of my guys had this idea that he and a couple of the other guys should get together regularly to worship God, to talk about life, and to just hang out. And he wanted to do this without leaders. Whoa, whoa- way to take control of your faith. And the others guys in my group jumped on board!

I have never seen a group of young men so excited to do life together, to have accountability, and to seek God with everything they have. I am so proud of these guys, literally, they are my pride and joy. I cannot wait to see what God is going to do in their lives- it's going to be amazing.

So this is to my men- I am so proud of you guys. I cannot believe that God has blessed me with you men, and has aloud me to speak to you from my heart. And I am so humbled that you guys listen to me, and so stinkin proud of the family we have created at Fusion Inc. I can't wait for you guys to go on and do amazing things, and i'm so excited that I get to see it.

I LOVE YOU ALL!

What i've learned: God's love

1 Corinthians 13 is one of the best chapters in the Bible. It very clearly describes what real, God-like love is.

Actually, if you think about it, the Bible itself is just a huge love story.

God the father creates His children. He gives us free will so we can love Him.

So we can love Him.

We choose to sin against God, we are torn apart, separated by our own inequities. And all through the Old Testament God chases us relentlessly, proving time and time again that He loves us.

He loves us.

But we still don't get it, and so God does an incredibly ridiculous, scandalous thing- He puts on human skin, comes down and dies so that the tremendous gap between us and Him can be closed. The Creator of everything died because He loves us.

He died because He loves us.

And now we simply need to speak Christ's name and God is there, tenderly holding us, whispering words of encouragement to us, aching to spend time with us, to give us gifts, to help us. God wants to be SO intimate with us because He loves us.

I don't think we understand this enough. God is not some far away God who is cold. No, God wants us to be more close to Him than anything else. God wants us to feel His warmth, to hear his words, to rejoice and delight in His presence. God is our father, our dad, and he wants to wrestle with us and hold us and tell us that we are loved.

I want to understand that, and I want you to understand that. God is here, He is begging for time with you, not to judge you, but to simply love you. Do you have time for God? Because He has all the time for you.

Please, right now, take some time and let God be the father He is. Stop moving, stop thinking, and let Him hold you. I know this sounds weird, but He's just waiting.

Waiting to show you His love.

Being purposeful

I posted this last night, but I really want feed back on it, so this is todays post too!

So I've been thinking about everything, and it's time to very purposefully structure my life. I hate feeling like I'm just stuck at school, so I want to do things that allow me to focus on bettering myself. So here are some things i've got-

1.Have planned time with people I look up to:

I already have a scheduled time with Jon every other week, but let's face it, I need at least weekly guidance, and getting advice from different kinds of people sounds great. So i'm asking people to meet with me.

2. Schedule more time with God: I've read my Bible every day for the past like two years, but its not always enough. I want to spend time alone worshipping and praising God deeply every day.

3.Read more: FACT- good leaders read a lot. enough said.

4. Nap less: simply because this way i'll have more time to do stuff.

5. Go to sleep at eleven every night: This probably isn't realistic.

6. Less t.v.!!!!: I write this as I watch the Bachelor... but still..... more time for other things

That's all I have for now, i'm working on my list. I need help! Anyone else have ideas to better organize my life?

I'm straight up confuzzled

I had a really stinkin bad panic attack last night. I can't even really understand why, but it was terrible. I mean, it's definitely because I feel like something needs to change. I feel like I need to become more of a leader, but at the same time I need to be lead. It's a tricky thing. And God wants me to do something new, but I don't know what, because I have always been offered opportunities by God through people, and even though I feel like something needs to change, none of those opportunities are coming.

And it's not like i'm sad or anything. Heck, like i've already said, I loved this weekend. I'm just lost and a little directionless right now, because I don't know what to DO.

Also, i've been worrying a lot lately that I will never we able to be who I need to be to be able to be successful. It's a funny fear, I know, but I always feel like i'm destined to mess something up. And I would love for someone to teach me how to be successful, how to get a good job and balance all the pieces of my life, but no one can do that. So I get frustrated, because i'm trying really hard to do this right, but it feels like i'm always screwing up.

Anyway, I texted my top 5 last night and asked for affirmation. Some of them gave me pretty good stuff, one called, and I talked to one for a while on facebook. Thanks guys, I was frustrated. I still am, but ya just gotta push through.

Jeff reminded me how God uses the messed up people all the time in the Bible. Last night he told me to read Phillipians 4:13-

I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

I keep repeating that to myself today. I just need to get through this week, and then its spring break. Then I can think things through. Ha.

Camp Blues

I just had a super random panic attack. I couldn't breathe or think, and I had to go into a dark room and lay down hahaha. It's because at the Men's Retreat, the bottom of my computer got melted. I know, crazy right? And now it makes this really loud whirring sound, and i'm afraid i'm going to have to buy a new one.... (I can't afford a new one).

But really, I think i'm kinda just panicky and worried now that this weekend is done. It was amazing, and pretty perfect, but i've been looking forward to it for a long time and now that it's done it's like... now what.

Now I have to go back to school, do homework, sit in boring classes, and go to boring work. I'm really bad at the mundane stuff. And God started doing all these crazy things in me this weekend, and it sucks that I have to go back to regular life and figure out what He's trying to say while dealing with all this other stuff. It's like post- camp blues hahahaha.

But I think about this weekend, and everything that happened, and I feel this weird disconnect between me and people I usually talk to about this stuff- Roy, Jeramy, I don't know....
I think i'm still feeling it and figuring it out. It's good though, i'm just not ready for life yet.

We'll see how tomorrow goes.....
please pray for me. Something's gotta change. I'm not even sad or whatever, I just feel this tension, like somethings about to snap, but in a good way hahahaha. YUP. SLATER.

What a weekend

Man, this weekend is great. I got to spend a day and a half with Jeff, just soaking up some guidance and wisdom and (spiritual) rest, and now i'm in Duluth, where I got to see God move in my student's lives.... really, REALLY move.

This morning I talked to Jeff honestly about how him leaving made me feel. I was praying and God's just like- you gotta let him know. So I did, and even in just telling him how it hurt it's like a big weight came off my shoulders. I'm getting closer and closer to being healed in this area of my life. It's awesome. So yeah, at the Men's retreat God really broke me open and helped me notice His active presence again.

Then I drove to Duluth, and went to a really nasty water park hahaha. It was awesome hanging out with my guys, I love them so much. We had a night service then, and Roy talked about how we had to give our all to God. All of the kids got down on their knees and prayed and worshiped God. It was amazing to feel God's spirit moving and see these kids responding so readily. It was beautiful.

And it touched me deeply. I don't know what God has planned for me yet, but I know i'm open to it. I would love to talk to someone about it right now, but maybe it's not the time. It's like I feel that mixture of joy and sacred sorrow. Maybe it's peace, maybe i'm just tired.

But I know God is moving.

Thank you God, thank you Jeff, and thank you Roy for making this awesome event happen.

I am so stinkin calm.

For now.

Vagueness

So, today I went to a Men's Retreat with Jeff Wendt- it was freakin awesome. I'm so glad I went with him. I really, really appreciate being able to spend time with this guy, especially since he left Oakhills. It was a great day. We met this Special Force officer. He killed a guy, so that's cool hahaha.

But at the service tonight, me and God had a really sweet conversation. He told me that it was time for me to go. I have no clue what that means or what that looks like, but I got that kind of fresh, Spirity feeling about it. He also told me that He still had a little bit of healing for me to go through before something happened. I don't know what that means either....

But what i'm basically getting at is that I have realized, through conversations and stuff, that it's pretty much time fro me to stop thinking and worrying about stuff, and just let God DO. Haha- I have spent an incredibly long time working on myself pretty diligently- sometimes feeling good about it, sometimes feeling bad about it- but i've started losing the joy and excitement of God.

NOT GOOD!

I think it's time for me to reclaim my summer spirit- to reclaim my passion and hunger for serving and just letting God do what He wants with me. This whole thing is super vague, but I feel like things are moving again, and i'm super excited about it.

Anyway, i'm super happy that I came with Jeff. He's my hero for sure, and he's just stinkin awesome at what he does.

Tomorrow i'm going to Duluth for the youth retreat.. it's gonna be great.

THATSALLIGOT!