On Death

"Where, oh death, is your victory? Where, oh death, is your sting?"

-1 Corinthians 15:55

I think that there is always a point in our lives where we become aware of our mortality. It is an extremely, extremely frightening thing. For me, it was about thirteen or fourteen. I remember laying in my bed, still not fully convinced that Jesus was God, and thinking- What if there is no Heaven? What if I just stop existing? What does that mean? What does that look like? All black? No, because color requires sight. And I wouldn't even have a brain to recognize a color. How can I possibly not exist? I could not comprehend it.

I still really can't.

And I would think this for a couple of hours, before comforting myself that I was, obviously, not dead yet, and wouldn't be for a long time. I also comforted myself by thinking that everyone dies, and I wasn't alone.

But here's the honest truth- we do die alone. No one can share this experience with anyone else- not your wife, or your children. It's just us. And that could be scary, I guess.

But I believe that Jesus has promised me eternal life. I believe that even though I take that last breath alone, the first breath in my new life I will take in the undeniable presence of God. And that is stinkin awesome.

I'm not anywhere near ready to die, don't get me wrong. I hopefully have a looooooong life ahead of me- tons of awesome opportunities, ridiculous mistakes.

But I am excited that, because I love Jesus, when I go to Heaven, all of those mistakes won't matter. My decision to follow Christ will be permanently fixed in eternity, and I will get to experience God's full presence. There will be no more pain, no more fear, or sickness. All tears will be dried, and all questions will be answered. I will finally be able to be who I am meant to be, free from all sin and imperfection that has hindered me. When I die, I will truly live.

Funny how that works huh?

Man, I don't want to die right now. At all.

But, as the wise Albus Dumbledore said,

"To the well organized mind, death is but the next great adventure."

Roy number two

I hate that I keep having this silly issue.

You see, once upon a time I was really insecure about my relationship with Jeff. It was kind of dumb, and i've gotten over it.

I mean, it was really dumb.

The bad thing is now i'm super insecure about my relationship with Roy. I didn't even know that could happen! I used to be super confident about our relationship- it was good, it was gravy, and I didn't expect anything. But now he's like my mentor- and i'm terrified that he's gonna let me down.

It's like, by letting him into my life- by actually letting him have a say in my life, I gave him a lot of trust.

What if he lets me down?

And now I find myself afraid to really talk to him, to really just be me around him, because I am afraid that i'm going to do or say something that will mess this mentorship up.

And I really, really value our relationship. I don't want to mess this up, I can't mess this up.

Gosh, and lately we've just been meeting on mondays, and thats the only time we hang out. I am afraid that if we only meet to talk about the heavy stuff, the real stuff- the just being friends that makes up a relationship- won't happen.

And I really want it to happen. That's what made me want Roy to be my mentor in the first place- the fact that I felt like we were on a close level, like he was one step above me, and that we could be friends more than anything.

But lately that isn't the case. Of course I hope that with time, things will balance out. That's my prayer.

But tonight was great- I should tell you about it sometime

Servanthood

So i'm speaking at my youth group next wednesday.

I say speaking because preaching sounds weird.

Any way, i'm talking about Servanthood, and the importance of a servant's heart. The idea is that if you don't understand servanthood, you don't understand the heart of God. God has redeemed us so we can be close to Him, so we can understand His heart. And part of that is being a part of humanity's redemption. We are supposed to bring light to the darkness, heal the sick, bring hope to the broken hearted. it is not just a part of being a Christian, it is the very mission Christ has called us to. I'm struggling with putting this into a cohesive sermon, and really struggling to emphasize the incredible importance of having a servant's heart. For being a Christian, it is not an option- it's a necessity. But how do I convey that?

Ug ug ug. I don't know..... but i'm working on it! Pray that it goes well!

Minecraft

Someday i'm going to sit down and write a good post. I promise.

But tonight I am sleeeeeeepy. I had a long day, and didn't get a lot of sleep last night. good news is my first class was cancelled tomorrow! YEAH sleeping in!

Y'know what i've realized for a long time, but didn't want to admit until someone else pointed it out?

I need a lot of affirmation. I mean, A LOT.

And sometimes I think that I legitimately need others to tell me things to make me feel good about myself.

But i've realized that that's not true. Actually, I think I need affirmation not to affirm ME, but to affirm the relationship in question. Still not ok, and I could probably explain better, but not tonight.

Have you played Minecraft? You should, it rocks.

Mess at the door

I'm not very poetic. I'm really not. Sometimes I try to be- tonight I wrote a story for the blog, but

A. I'm too tired to type it out

and

B. I don't think it's good enough yet.

But here's a poem I wrote a long time ago.

Yesterday
I took a box
made of cardboard
and packed away my worries,
my fears,
my pain
I taped that box shut
and set it outside
for the night to take away

But it rained all afternoon
and my cardboard box got wet
and everything I put in it leaked out
and stained my front steps black
now no one comes to visit
because theres a mess at the door
but my inside is quite wonderful,
really
If you would just walk through this mess
empty rooms that need to be filled
and no one to fill them
come in

What I don't always understand: The fear of God

Y'know, how it says in the Bible, that we need to fear God?

Sometimes i'm afraid I don't.

Y'know, when I do a little thing like tell a little white lie, or make fun of someone- even if i'm joking. Times when I blatantly do things God has told me not to, and just thing, "It's ok, God will forgive me."

Fact: God DOES forgive. Time and time again. Praise Jesus. because otherwise, I would be screwed.

Also Fact: The fear of God- literally, respecting Him and honoring Him so much that we feel a need to honor Him is also important.

Now, usually I stick to the theology that if you ask Jesus for forgiveness, you are forgiven no matter what, and obeying Him comes from your love for Him. Usually.

But when it comes to talking about the fear of God, that doesn't work. Because the fact is, I should want to follow God simply because He is, well, God. His ways are bigger than mine, brighter than mine, and much more righteous than mine.

Here's something we don't think about- God could off us at any second. He literally is so powerful that He could snap and we would die.
That's scary.
And we say things like, "He would never do that, He loves us."
That is very true.
But God is not "tame". (I'm thinking of Aslan from Narnia right now). He is not limited by our understanding of Him. What He does is right, because it cannot be wrong. Think about it. He could kill us- or worse, send us to hell.

Once again, I believe i'm forgiven and going to Heaven (Thank you lord!)
But i'm sick of letting that give me license to sin. I really want to understand this whole "fear of God" thing better.

I'm praying you do too.

What I've Learned: What do you do when your good isn't good enough.

This is literally my favorite thing ever.

And it's just in incredible song.

Because i've been thinking about this lately- what do you do when your good isn't good enough?

How many times will it take to get it right?

I've long stopped thinking that i'm the only one who feels like this. We all feel, at times, that we just aren't enough. We try so hard, we give our all, we work it out until we are tired to the bone, and it still doesn't work out.

Relationships

School

Money

Even God

And you look at others and hope they don't noticed how much you've failed, that they'll still love you if you look perfect.

So you pick yourself up and pretend to be okay, all the while inspecting your heart, trying to figure out what went wrong. Is it because you're not smart enough? Too emotional? Mean? Annoying? Ugly? Unworthy? What is it? Why do you always fail? Why can't you be enough?

Stop.

Please understand that you are enough. You are amazing. And all of those people that are judging you? Well, they are only doing it in your head. You deserve to be happy, to know that you matter, and to know that your best is enough.

This is really about me, isn't it? Always looking for affirmation, for someone to tell me i'm okay, that i'm worth love.

I'm done with it. I know i'm enough. God has called me out and set me apart. He has huge plans for me- He has already decided that i'm enough. So I refuse to let circumstances define who I am, or people define who I am. God has already done that. And He says i'm amazing.

He says i'm strong.

and smart.

and wonderful.

and that I am enough.

What do I do when my good isn't good enough?

I'm learning to smile, and let God work. Because He'll make sure i'm good enough.

I trust Him.

I love Him.

And when I think about mistakes i've already made?

Well, i'm learning to smile at those too.

I really am kind of an idiot sometimes.

But i'm learning.

AND THAT'S WHAT THIS WHOLE STINKIN BLOG IS ABOUT!

Eternity

I have a feeling that this will turn out beautiful.

In the book, The Great Divorce, C.S. Lewis talks about how, in Hell, all of your life looks like Hell when you look back. Then, of course, all of your life looks like Heaven when you enter into Heaven itself.

We are already living in eternity today. Of course, we can't understand how that works, or what that means, right now. We are still moving in time. But when we die, and time is stripped away, eternity will be all we've ever known. It will stretch back and back, into our lives. The Hell we experience after we die (if not saved) will permeate our memories of earth. The Heaven we experience will do the same.

I love this guys! The worst stuff we experience right now we will see as a joy someday. We will rejoice in our tribulations- and they will seem incredibly dim compared to the light of Heaven that we will be in.

And IF we are living eternity now, it is our job to bring "eternity" into every day life. That's what it means to live for Christ- to bring His eternity into the pain and hurt of the world. We are called to heal, to help, to love- to forceably bring the kingdom of God to those who are not part of it. That's so cool! We are embassadors of eternity! How can we take this lightly?

Does this make any sense? I don't know. But I do feel like knowing that I am living in eternity makes all of this seem to matter so much more.

Sleepy

Today was weird. Not bad though. Youth Group was cancelled, which kind of stunk, because I really depend on the community of my church. Which is crazy, because I don't always realize how much Fusion means to me (a lot).

And because there was no Fusion, I was alone for a while, and it was the unplanned alone. It wasn't terrible, but wasn't good either.

I was also really looking forward to seeing Roy and Jon Sanchez. I don't know why, but I was.

BUT then I hung out with Kevin, and we went out to eat with our friends Dana and Jon. And it was a great night out. Super great.

I was going to talk about LLLOOOOVVE tonight, but i'm too tired.

So, I am asking you to youtube the Very Potter Musical. It is my favorite thing ever.

The end.

What i've learned: This too shall pass

Today could have been a terrible day. Ya see, finances are tiiiight, and certain people are frustrating me greatly about it.

But today turned out to be great.

And I really don't have a good reason for it, except that I realized that in a month or two everything I am worried about will be gone.

It's funny, isn't it, how today's worries seem so BIG and pressing, but in reality it's hardly ever a big deal.

This too shall pass.

In the Bible, in Matthew somewhere (Yes, I am too lazy to look up where) Jesus talks about how we should just worry about today, because each day has enough worries for itself. And while I don't take that to mean that we should never ever think of the future, I take it to mean that we should look at the future with expectant hope- that the future must, eventually, get better. God kind of promises that when all is said and done, He wins, and we enter into peace. So why worry about always having enough money, or if you are making the right decisions for your future, or whether or not you are making everyone happy?

God wins. It's done.

So just worry about today. Let God worry about the rest. Ha, that's what i'm going to try to do. Do my best, and let God do the rest.

Bam.

Book money

Here's the deal-

I owe 350$ for books to school.

And I can't register for next years classes til I pay it.

And I CAN'T pay it.

lol super frustrating.

Like i've said, money stinks. And i've been doing better with tithing, but it's still really tough. Question; at what point will I not be ridiculously low on cash flow?

Poem

I wrote a poem tonight while I watched a movie. it's not very good, or finished, but here is what I got...

"Boy I am your doctor"

You say with crooked smiles

Pedaling your shiny truths

and lying all the while

You say the growth's apparent

that you see through my disguise

but I never tried to hide it

no, I never tried

And if the cancer's not a killer

it's a refuge for the soul

'cause if you come at all

you just come to go

Giving just to take

but taking more than all you need

but you never tried to hide it

so I let you take the lead

(This is the chorus.... I know poems don't have choruses but still)

So I will trust you

I will trust you

like a worm upon a hook,

a martyr for the Cross,

in chess a selfless rook.

And Oh, my heart is burning

like a city under fire

but i'll play it like a minstrel

i'll be a perfect liar

So take me into battle

let me fight your war

I'll save you like the Son of Man

once saved a godless whore

To the world i'm the victim,

and you the hero play

So save the day Mr. Hero,

oh please, save the day

That's all I wrote. I don't know what it's about....

Today was a good day.

I went to Jeff's house today. I got to spend a LOT of time with his kids. They are literally the coolest kids ever. We got to take them down to the river and play at the park. Oh yeah, Johnny Tran came with me.

Then I got to talk to Tiff, Jeff's wife, about stuff. Pretty crazy, because i've nver talked about real stuff with her before, but it was super great. Really- it was a perfect night. I am very blessed to be a part of the Wendt's lives.

And then I got to spend time with Johnny. I am incredibly proud of that young man. He has an incredible passion and vision for what God has planned for him, and it's inspiring to see that grow and come into focus.

This is going to sound weird, but it started raining while I was driving home from the Wendts, and Johnny fell asleep in the passenger seat. And I thought about Jack, Noah, Sally, Tiff, and Jeff, and how amazing it was that God was moving in their lives so IMMENSELY, and I thought about Johnny, and how God has such big plans for him, and I felt blessed. Like what I was doing mattered, because I was doing it for God. Even being a part of these peoples stories for a milisecond is an incredible gift.

Today was a good day.

What i've learned: My "core issue".

Fact: I write better blogs when i'm feeling good about life, because then i'm not writing out of raw emotion, and I can think a lot better about what I want to say.

Fact: I am incredibly blessed, in every way. I go to a great school, have a job, get to be a part of an amazing church, have a great family, and have a bunch of guys in my life who care about me.

I realize this, I do. In fact, sometimes I look at this and get confused as to why life seems tough. Why am I going through all this stuff?

I got it now, though. It's really just one thing. one root to all of my internal struggles.

Just one.

I don't trust these guys that are trying to speak into my life.

At all.

And it's not that I don't want to- heck, there is nothing more that I want than to be able to trust the relationships I have with Jeff, Roy, and Jon. But I don't. And this mistrust of "mentors" or whatever you call them- leaders- has brought so much junk into my life.

Every feeling of inadequacy and hurt can be pinned down to not feeling good enough for these kind of relationships.

But i'm trying. I keep throwing myself into these relationships, hoping that each time I will want to run a little less, that i'll be a little less angry. Sometimes it feels like i'm doing better. I can talk to Jeff without freaking out, Jon and my relationship is great, and these feelings of inadequacy are further and far between. But sometimes I still get angry. When Roy imposes rules that I don't agree with, or when I think about how Jeff left, I get incredibly discouraged.

And I know it shows, and I know that these guys don't always understand it. I know I look like a "bad" kid, or damaged goods, whenever these feelings surface. I wish I could sit these guys down (ha, wouldn't it be cool if I had a "Jonathan Council" where all of my favorite guys got together and talked about life with me?) and tell them the truth- that it's when i'm in these revolting moods that I need them most.

I don't know how I can feel secure in these relationships. Maybe words, actions- I don't know. All I DO know is that now that I understand what's wrong, I feel a lot better with everything else.

And I know that I love these guys, and I appreciate them, the best I can. I hope they know that.

I'm pretty sure that Roy and Jon will see this. Jeff won't , but maybe I can tell him....

Dear God

I wrote this letter to God. Sometimes things are more clear if you write them down, even as far as God goes.

Dear God,

Hey. I don't really know what i'm going for here. I guess I just need some direction. You see, i'm not sure i'm where I need to be. And I don't know if this is just me, or if it's you telling me to move. And if it's you telling me to move- to where? Sometimes I think I want to go to Northfield with the Wendts- but what if that's just because I want to be around Jeff? I don't want that to be the case.

And still- God, i'm struggling with being secure in my relationships with older guys. Sometimes I do super great and don't worry about the stability of these relationships, but sometimes I feel like there's no one I can trust. And that's the worst. I'm working on it, but sometimes it makes me feel all junky again. So please help me with that. Security, and stability- help me understand it.

God, I pray for help with the financial stuff.

And I pray you would help me love my Fusion guys with all of your heart. They deserve the best, they have so much potential. Thank you for them.

Thank you for all you've done for me.

Confusing relationships

This is something that has been bugging me the last week or two-

Relationships. Specifically my inability to understand how they work, or what i can expect from people.

Really, this is the only thing that is getting me flustered lately. This week has been otherwise great. But just not being able to make sense of certain relationships, of the give and take of it all, is pretty frustrating.

I made an intentional relationship recently, and ever since then i've felt really awkward around this person. It's like how I used to get all nervous around Jeff. And it's funny, because i'm not like this with Jeff anymore. But around this new relationship, I just get all quiet and nervous. I don't get it. I think that maybe it's something with authority, because before I saw this guy as a friend, but now I expect a lot more out of him, but i'm not sure.

I don't know how to fix it. My hope is that i'll be fine with time, but right now it kind of stinks. I haven't felt this weird about a relationship for a long time. I kinda thought I got passed it.

Oh well, I love the guy, and I hope this works out.

Its Wednesday and i'm too tired.

I'm tired of relationships- of misplaced expectations and getting my hopes up. It's dumb.

And when it comes down to it- it's not the person who says "you can reach out to me" who will make a difference, it's the person who says, "I will reach in and pull you out."......

Just a random thought.

What i've learned: I have a lot to offer.

I use to be afraid to talk to certain people. People like Jeff, or anyone I thought was waaaaay too cool or important for me. I know it sounds silly, but I was afraid that these really important people thought I was insignificant and annoying. I struggled with this for a long time.

This, of course, all comes down to having confidence. For a long time I had no confidence in myself. I acted on this assumption that everyone else was better than me and deserved better than me.

That's junksauce.

I'm not going to lie, i'm a pretty cool guy. If I weren't me, I would totally want to be my friend. I think that I have a lit to offer people, a lot of love, a lot of time, just... a lot.

My point is is that I got my confidence. it turns out that this crazy God loves me, and totally thinks i'm worth dying for. It turns out that if this is true, I have no reason to doubt myself, because God already said i'm enough. And all of you guys are too.

I had lunch with the worship leader of my church today. To be honest, I was pretty nervous, just because I get nervous about lunches sometimes. But it was great. He's a great guy, and it was a lot of fun. And I text the important people in my life all the time, NBD.

I know that sounds lame, and right now I agree that it's not a big deal, but there was a time where it was.....

Before I realized how much God loved me,

and that I have a lot to offer.

Counseling

So.... I asked Roy to meet with me regularly....

He gave me a contract I had to sign....

Which is cool, because now he is one of my "mentors"...

But there was a stipulation in that contract...

So...

I have to start going to professional counseling.

And to be honest? I'm completely terrified.

I'm scared that people will look down on me and think that i'm unstable or something for having to do this. I'm afraid that my youth kids will think less of me because of it. I'm afraid to admit that I might actually get something out of this.

Let me be clear, I would never choose to go to counseling on my own. In fact, I have always rejected the idea. I believe that personal healing comes in the context of close relationships- and I don't think that counseling works in that venue. But I really, really, really respect Roy, and if this is what I have to do for him to be the voice in my life that I need him to be, i'll do it. I struggled with this for days, trying to decide if counseling was worth Roy- and as much as this sucks, and it's difficult for me (because I still hate the idea of counseling) I'm going to do it.

So that's that. I hate admitting that i'm weak. But the fact is, in some areas of my life I am. Hopefully this dumb counseling thing will help me pinpoint those areas and improve them. Roy said I could just not tell anyone- but that's not how I role. Honesty is the best policy, transparency is the best policy.

If you have any questions about this, just ask me. I'm trying to have a good attitude about it, I really am.

It can't be that bad, right?

Compromise

I've had this internal battle all weekend. And it really sucked.

Do you ever get into those situations where no matter what you lose?

I am in one, and it's making me really angry.

And I don't think anyone really understands how tough it is. I feel like they think it should be easy for me to make a decision. But either way i'm making a compromise that I don't want to make.

This sucks. I wish someone would understand that and help me make the right choice. No matter what I feel uneasy about everything.