What i've learned: Three things everyone should know.

I was going to picture my whole day today, but it turned out to be a weird day. So I didn't lol. But i'm excited for this post, so that's good. Ha.

I think and pray about my kids a lot. I know that's weird, since i'm single, in college, and poor, and I won't have kids for years, but I still pray for them. I usually picture my son- not that I have anything against girls, and when I have a girl, I will love her more than anything in the world- but I picture my son, and how he'll have curly brown hair and the biggest smile in the world. I already know his name lol. I know people think that's dumb, because my wife might not like the name and I might change my mind, but no. Haha my son's name is nonnegotiable. So I think about my son, and all the things I want for him, and I pray.

I pray that I will be a good dad, and that me and his mom will have an amazing relationship, and that he will know how stinkin much we love him. I pray that I will be able to provide a stable home for him, and that I will be able to give him everything he needs. I pray that God will guide the way I raise my son, so that he will become a man who loves and fears the Lord.

Really, there are three things that I want my son to know- three things that everyone should know.

1.He is loved: I want my son to know that his mom and dad love him so much, that nothing makes them happier. That no matter what happens in his life, we will always love him. I want him, also, to know that God loves him more than anyone ever could, and he never needs to feel like he is alone.

2. He makes me proud: I am going to tell my son this all the time. I am going to celebrate his every achievement. I am going to brag about him to all my friends. I never want him to doubt whether he is good enough, because even though he doesn't even exist yet, he is already amazing to me. I also want him to know that he makes God proud, just because he is who he is. My child will never feel like he needs to perform for attention or love.

3. He is meant for amazing things: Gosh, God has such big plans for my kid. He's gonna change the world. There are going to be things on this planet that only my son can do, and i'm going to make sure he knows this. That he is so incredibly valuable that without him, the world could never be as great as it is with him. without him, my life would be incomplete. Once again, I know that this is crazy, because my son doesn't even exist, but it's so important that he knows these things.

These three things are things I so strongly believe everyone needs to hear. I think about them when i'm ministering to students, when i'm with my brothers and sisters- when I think about my kids. So if you read this, know that

You are loved

You make God proud

and You were meant for amazing things.

CHANGE?!?!

TWO posts in a NIGHT?? THAT'S NOT ALLOWED!

Except the first one was kinda bitter,

and this one is very real.

Something's are going to change. I can just feel it. You know that feeling when you know a storm is coming in a couple hours, and you just stand outside and smell the rain, watch the clouds roll in, and prepare yourself? I can smell the rain now. I'm loving it.

To be honest, I don't really know what i'm talking about, I just know that God is moving in BIG WAY'S. I feel like it has to do with ministry- it's gonna change for the better. I'm SO EXCITED.

And scared. Because if this is just in my head, that would suck. But i don't think it is. I need a change, and i'm confident it'll happen.

Also, tomorrow for my blog i'm going to take pictures of my whole day. hahaha.

What I don't understand: Relationships

I get frustrated with people sometimes. To be honest- ugly honest- sometimes I don't think people are worth it. I mean, when you invest in people- whether it be an opposite- sex relationship, a student- mentor relationship, or (in the case i'm currently frustrated with) just a friendship- you hope for something back. I've already talked about this, and how we shouldn't want anything back, but the fact is sometimes we just.... do.

Usually I get frustrated because i'm a very person oriented guy, and when I really put myself into a relationship and don't get relationship in return, I get hurt pretty easy. Now, mostly i'm just tired right now, so i'm just overly emotional, but sometimes when I feel forgotten or mistreated I just wanna throw my hands up in the air and say, "Forget you!" I mean, really, that's all I have right now. I'm tired of it. And i'm not angry or anything, just tired of it.

I don't get why it's so hard for people to have healthy relationships.... probably because we are broken and selfish. I know I am. I also realize that people are busy, they have lives, and i'm not the most important part of them hahaha. Still..... I like quality time with people. When I don't get it, it bugs me.

So right now i'm throwing my hands in the air.

"Forget you!"

I know its not mature, or very godly, but at least this way I won't get disappointed, right?

I'm half kidding, don't worry.

Also, I haven't talked about this before, but when I had that prayer night at church, I felt like God was telling me that He has new ministry opportunities coming up that I have to take. He thinks I need a change. I don't know whether or not this opportunity will be in Fusion or Oakhills. Sometimes I hope it will, because I love it there. Right now I kinda don't care lol. So if you read this, pray for guidance for me :)

Thanks!

What I HAVEN'T learned: Money

Money money money, MONEY

I hate money.

I hate it so much.

I want to punch it in the face.

I want to kill it.

I wish I could tie it to a brick and throw it into a lake.

Or burn it.

All.

Unfortunately, it turns out money IS important. I hate the saying that money makes the world go round, but, it kind of does. Humanity as a whole bases its worth and value off of how much bank people make. If you don't have money, you can't get a house, a car, food, ANYTHING. It's ridiculous, it's unfair-

it's how it will be til Christ comes back.

And this sucks for me, because I don't have alot of money. I work six days of the week and have two jobs, but I also need to pay for my car

and insurance

and my phone bill

and gas

and books

and food

And sometimes it's too much.

And I get scared.

And I start to try to control my resources

and plan it all out

If this money goes HERE, then this can go HERE

SO much stress. I hate it.

And I won't talk about tithing yet, but I just want to say that I have worried about money millions of times, but i'm here right now, and i'm still ok.

I have all the proof in the world to believe that God has my back, no matter what my financial situation. I take comfort in the fact that even when my finances look like a terrible giant, God can overcome them.

There's a song by Sleeping At Last called Heaven Breaks. Some of the lyrics are:

When Heaven meets the Earth,

We will have no use for numbers

to measure who we are or what we're worth.

I'm waiting for that day. I suck at money, it's like a struggle every paycheck. But I know God will make it all work..... someday.

Fun Freakin' Friday!

This is my favorite youtube video. It is the funniest thing ever. The only regret in my life is that i'll never own a dog.

What i've learned: Don't be Job's friends

Helllllerrrrr.

I love my students. I love that God lets me teach them about Him, guide them, have fun with them, help them through tough times....

I hate when I can't help them.

but it happens. Sometimes what they are going through is deep. Deep and dark, and painful.

And sometimes it's so deep that only God can guide them through it. And sometimes it takes a REALLY STINKIN LONG TIME.

I know, i've gone through that. Pretty sure we all have. Why is it, then, that we forget how it feels? Why do we always feel like we know better than the person who is struggling, like we have the answer? Don't we remember how we felt, like no one could understand, like we had to deal with the pain ourselves?

Why do we always assume it's the hurting person who is being stubborn, and not us?

Here are some things i've learned when dealing with a hurting person.

1. Never say they are hurting because they don't love God enough.

I had this happen to me before- well, i've done this before too. Kinda.

I told someone that the way they were acting was spitting in God's face. And while this may have been true, it wasn't right to tell that to them when they were hurting. God knows what He's doing in these valleys, and I believe that those who are hurting are probably clinging to God more than most of us. Don't tell them they don't have enough faith.

2. Don't just give advice for the sake of giving advice.

Don't you hate when you want to help someone, to make them instantly better, but you don't know what to say? So you start spouting a bunch of B.S. about how "God will use this for the better", and, "you will look back on this problem and see how God was there the WHOLE TIME."

Now, maybe B.S. wasn't the right word, because those previous statements were true. But when someone's whole life is falling apart, they don't want simple answers like that. They want their anger and pain to be aknowledged, not just brushed aside. Which leads me to my third point...

3. Shut up and hold them.

This sounds weird but, heres the thing- people who are grieving HATE when you act like you know more than them. I mean honestly, how can anyone possibly understand another's pain fully? The Bible says "Each heart knows its own bitterness." Proverbs 14:10

So instead of trying to talk through something you can't possibly understand, why not just... hug them? Be there for them? After all, that's what everyone really wants when they're hurting- someone who will just stay with them no matter how hard it gets.

Not words.

Just actions.

The title of this post was don't be Job's friends. These guys kept blaming all of Job's problems on the fact that he wasn't righteous enough. They were trying to be helpful but, well, they ended up looking like idiots.

Don't be those guys. Be compassionate and sensitive.

And not an idiot.

Slater.

Drained

I've realized that there will be times where I am too tired to blog. This is one of them lol. These last two days have just been really, really, WEIRD. Not bad per say, just weird. I am very tired on my insides. Not sad, just tired. Tonight at youth group was great- someday I'll talk about them, but not tonight.

It's just- you ever feel like you pour out a lot into something, and maybe don't get what you poured into back? I know that that is a terrible thing to dwell on, but I feel very.... empty about youth group tonight. Like I gave everything I could, but didn't get anything back.

I'm not complaining, i'm just saying. That creeping loneliness was coming back inside my chest tonight- thankfully not til after youth group- and now i'm just tired.

Sometimes when I feel like that I wish someone would just say,"I love you dude", and give me a big hug. I guess no one knows to do that though.... lol.

Anyway, i'm dead tired, and i'm hoping I feel better tomorrow.

Goodnight!

Thank a Mentor Day!

Today is national thank your mentor day! AAAAAH!

This makes me happy, because I always feel like there should be more occasions to thank people who have influenced you. But there really aren't that many defining moments in ones life.

So what I usually do is just randomly tell people how much they mean to me.

I'm sure it looks weird to people.

But that's ok now, because I HAVE A REASON TODAY! WOOOOOOOO!

I know I once talked about how I was frustrated with mentors, but today let's look at the positive!

Without Jeramy Wheeler and Nick Gray, I would have quit going to fusion, not come to know Jesus, and never experienced this crazy adventure i'm on.

Without Jeff Wendt, I would never have gotten into leadership at all- I would never have become a student leader, or an Elements leader, or a Fusion leader, or even temporarily an intern. I would never have been able to be a councilor at Kid's Camp, at Jr. High camp, or at Wildwood. To be honest, I probably wouldn't have even considered being a Youth Pastor without him.

Without Jon Sanchez, I would not have been able to sort through all the messy feelings and issues that I have lately. It's crazy that he listens and doesn't condemn me. LOVE IT.

Without Roy Lucier, well, I might not have the confidence I do in ministry. I guess he has no reason to doubt me, but I really appreciate how he believes in my ability to lead. It takes a lot of pressure off, and gives me room to grow.

So, that's a shout out to my top guys.

MAKE SURE YOU LET THE MENTORS IN YOUR LIFE KNOW WHAT THEY'VE DONE FOR YOU!

What i've learned: Let it go

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?

You built up hope, but failures all you've known?

Remember all the sadness and frustration,

and LET IT GO

LET IT GO

Today i'm talking about the dark stuff. The bad stuff. The,"this has changed my life forever, and I will NEVER let go of it" or," This person has hurt me so bad, I will NEVER FORGIVE THEM." or, "I just want to impress you, I WON'T STOP TIL I DO."

The stuff that drives you're every action, like a burning in you're mind that you can't put out.

This stuff is dangerous.

I'm going to call it bitterness, but there are tons of other words we can use- addiction, obsession. No matter what, it's not healthy. And, to be honest, these kind of obsessive possessive thoughts are sinful. Yeah- crazy right? But the truth is by obsessing about how angry you are at someone, or how you need someone's approval, or how you can't possibly forgive someone- well, you're basically saying that you don't trust that God will take care of you, and take care of the situation.

Now you say, "But Jonathan, it's not that easy, some things are too hard to get over, some things are too painful to forget, some things are are too terrible to forgive."

You're right it IS hard- I mean, life itself can be pretty tough. But it is so important that we don't let our hurts and problems govern our lives. God has so much in store for us, but if we are living with a spirit of vengeance or hatred or hurt, He isn't capable of doing what He wants in us. By insisting on getting our own vengeance, or holding power over those who have hurt us, we are tying God's hands.

Not a good idea.

In his book, The Great Divorce, C.S. Lewis says this about sin that we can't stop.

"It begins with a grumbling mood, and yourself still distinct from it: perhaps criticising it. And yourself, in a dark hour, may will that mood, embrace it. Ye can repent and come out of it again. But there may come a day when you can do that no longer. Then there will be no you left to criticise the mood, nor even enjoy it, but just the grumble itself going on forever like a machine."

That scares me. That mood, obsession- it can eat at you until there is nothing left, until God couldn't forgive you if He wanted to, because there is nothing left of you to forgive.

Please guys, we all go through stuff that is hard to let go, that hurts and burns and distorts you're whole world- but we need to learn how to take a deep breath and let go. God intends for us to be free- He does not want us to wrap ourselves up.

I may be a hypocrite in this, I have things that I need to let go of myself, but i'm working on it. I am learning to forgive and love- I am positive this is of the utmost importance.

So-

Remember all the sadness and frustration,

and let it go

let it go

What i've learned: I need Jesus

Here's the thing.

I'm a mess. I get really angry some times, I make stupid decisions almost daily, I worry about little things, i'm terrible at tithing, I say jerky stuff without thinking- well, I do A LOT without thinking, i'm not the best student, I am at times incredibly selfish, I say "frick" way more than I should....

.... and that's just the beginning.

Yeah, I know- I make myself look pretty great.

Sometimes, when I think about all this stuff in a negative way, I become overwhelmed with self doubt, and whether or not i'm saved, and if I WAS saved, why i'm not a better person by now, and why can't I love God more? Why can't I be perfect?

Then I realize i'm human hahaha. We are incapable of perfection. I'm not just saying this as a cop out, but a simple truth. Humanity itself is messed up. From the very first bite of that apple that Adam and Eve took, humanity was derailed. Ever since then, we have been spinning out of control.

Thank God for Jesus. That's what i'm thinking about today. Thank God that Jesus gave his life to bring humanity back on course. And thank God that I am continually forgiven each and every day. I have become convinced that salvation is a life long experience. That once we enter into a relationship with Christ, he is willing to take as much time as required to mold us into the amazing children of God we have been called to be.

I love the parable of the prodigal son. How, when the son comes home to his father, all covered in pig grime and poop, his dad hugs him. He just hugs him, not worrying about getting all the pig poo all over his nice robe.

That's just like God! If we come to Him, even covered in sin and junk, he will accept us, because He loves us so much.

THANK YOU JESUS! I NEED YOU EVERY STINKIN DAY!

This is me bragging: Tonight's killer team night

Tonight My fellow Team Leader's and I hosted an event at North Central for our Team Sonic guys. Not gonna lie, I wasn't sure how it was gonna turn out, because A. It was really hard to plan what with me just being a horrible planner and it being the beginning of the semester. and B. We had a youth group event last night, and it's not always a good idea to plan two things in one weekend.

But it was freakin awesome!!!

It was a fake formal dinner, so everyone (mostly) dressed super nice, and we ate...... Pizza! haha it was great. Then we played a youth group form of Apprentice- Fusion Inc. Apprentice! I'm not going to lie, I was sure this was gonna fail. I didn't think my guys would have the attention span or desire to do this. But they loved it! We did three events-

1. Create a mascot for Team Sonic- this was individual. The two least creative students were fired.

2. Create a sermon series for the youth group. This was a team event. The team that gave the best presentation was safe, the team that didn't do so hot was fired, save one contestant.

3. At this point there were four contestants left. They were divided into two groups, and then each given three team members to work with. They then had to come up with an idea for our next team weekend. Each team gave us a pitch for it, and we then decided which event to do. The three team members on each side then critiqued their leaders. Only one leader on each team could move on, so two were cut.

Finally, each remaining player gave us Team Leaders reasons why they should be the apprentice. Both had amazing speeches, and both were great leaders, but in the end, the winner was....

JUST KIDDING! Can't say students names on here. Regardless, it was so great, and i'm proud of all my guys.

In the end, we gave out the Fusion Apprentice Award, and gave each kid an individual award. It was awesome.

So, that's me bragging. I love my guys so much.

My favorite songs

Iiiiiiiiiiit's FUN FREAKIN FRIDAY! That means that i'm not really talking about anything serious! Yaysauce! Tonight there is a Youth Group Party at my church. From 7-11. That's late guys.

SO, I'm blogging right now. Today is a list of my favorite songs. They are either beautiful, or inspiring, or usually both haha. These are the song I listen to when i'm bummin. Strongly encourage you to look them up.

1.Walls by The Rocket Summer

favorite lyric "I know this is random but just this morning I saw the sun reflecting on the lawn window. I don't know why, but I thought you should know."

2.Relentless by Audrye Sessions

favorite lyric "Now you're better than you think you are, show these people what you were born to do. 'Cuz I believe in you, i'd bet my life on you."

3.I will follow you into the dark by Gavin Mikhail

favorite lyric "you and me have seen everything to see, from Bangkok to Calgary and the soles of your shoes are all worn down, the time for sleep is now. It's nothing to cry about, 'cuz we'll hold each other soon, in the blackest of rooms."

4.Details in the Fabric by Jason Mraz

favorite lyric "If its a broken part replace it, if its a broken arm then brace it, if its a broken heart then face it. And hold your own, know your name, and go your own way."

5.How He Loves by John Mark Mcmillan

favorite lyric "so Heaven meets Earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest. I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way that he loves us."

6. What's a boy to do by Mat Kearney

favorite lyric "it's all quiet for the first time, no voices left to fall I saw a boy at the bottom of the bridge, his car was left there on the top. It's four o'clock in the morning, it didn't have to end like this. There's a white sheet left to cover up what should have been a holy kiss. It's not like those days- it's not like i'm scared of you. What's the son of man, and a boy to do? What's the son of man and a boy to you?

7.Umbrellas by Sleeping at Last

favorite lyric "fences divide, fences divide our land. I would catch bullets with my bare hand, 'cuz you were meant for amazing things"

8.Times by Tenth Avenue North

favorite lyric," My love is over, it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between. These times you doubt me, when you can't feel, these times you question, is this for real?".... well really, the whole song is great.

9.Fix You by Coldpay

favorite lyric,"Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you.

10.Everything by Lifehouse

favorite lyric,"And how could I stand here with You, and not be moved by You? Could You tell me, how could it be any better than this?

11.Iridescent by Linkin Park

favorite lyric,"Do you feel cold and lost in desperation? You build up hope, but failures all you've known? Remember all the sadness and frustration- and let it go, let it go."

12. Bullet by Mat Kearney

favorite lyric,"I would take a bullet for you, I would catch a bullet for you, I would cross any line and swim across the sea. I would take a bullet for you, I would take a bullet for you. I would lose it all and take my fall to show you it's for real."

There are a bunch of other songs that are also great (You Are More by Tenth Avenue North- seriously) but these are my faves. They are great pick-me-ups. So whenever you're feeling down, listen to one of these!

What i've learned: Feeling "used" sucks.

This is the earliest i've written a post. Right now is my "rest time". Haha it's the hour and a half between classes and supper. I feel so relaxed right now. I'm eating oatmeal mixed with peanut butter- it might sound a little weird, but it's so darn good!

Have you ever felt used? Like, sometimes a person will spend time with you, say you are their best friend, say that you're really important to them, and then the next thing you know...

...they just stop talking to you, they stop hanging out with you, they take you off, like you're a shirt, and hang you in the closet til they want to wear you again.

And then you wonder... was it your fault? Are you not cool enough, smart enough, fun enough to want to spend time with? That hurts- when you start to doubt yourself because of someone else. Because they meant alot to you, but you weren't good enough to them.

You were used.

And what you want to happen is for them to realize what they've done to you, to come back to you and apologize, say that you are worth more, they should have NEVER treated you so badly.

That's what you want. That's not what happens.

Or maybe you're the one who tries people on like clothes. You spend a little time with someone, something bad happens, so you throw them onto the floor, and put another shirt on. Maybe you never realized how much this hurts your "friend".

Maybe you try people on, because you were used first.

Maybe you feel terrible, because you are afraid to stay close to people, so you just keep hurting them.

Here's my challenge for you today. For the couple of you who read this, I want you to make sure that every friend or loved one you have knows that you love them, and value them. And I want you to make sure that those who are using you know you love them as well, because the way they treat you should not stifle your ability to love.

But I also want you to know that God really loves you, and will NEVER use you, or make you feel like a nasty old shirt. God is like that one kid who wears the same sweatshirt everyday, because it's so comfortable. So take faith and hope in that.

That's all I got. :)

What i've learned: Affirmation is incredibly important

The mouth is a powerful thing. The Bible talks about it- mostly in James, but I'm not going to quote it here. It has the power to give life, and the power to bring death.

A quiet kid is made fun of at school. When they get home, their parents tell them that they should try to be more popular, have more friends, fit in. They basically tell their kids they aren't good enough.

A quiet kid is made fun of a school. When they get home, their parents tell them that they

shouldn't listen to their classmates. They are beautiful and perfect, and God loves them to death.

Which kid will be more successful in life?

The tongue has the power of life and death.

Tonight I want to focus on the life part. I didn't really know what this post was gonna be on (so close to talking about youth again, shoot!) But then my cousin texted me some awesome words of encouragement. And I thought about how incredibly impactful positive words can be. When I was a kid, I was super shy. Then, somehow, God called me to be a youth pastor. I thought there was no way this would happen. But then I started spending time with really, really great people. My youth pastor, my youth leaders, and some other people told me things like, "I believe in you," "I am proud of you".... my youth pastor gave all of the seniors in my graduating class the book "Oh the places you'll go" by Dr. Seuss. On the inside of mine he wrote,

Tiffany and I are so proud of you and the young man you've become. God's call is so evident on your life, continue to seek His will and you'll never be disappointed. We love you.

That was a big deal to me. Heck, I still have the book and read it often. All of the encouraging words that people give me are so important, they remind me that God is still working in my life, and that I may occasionally being doing life right.

So what I want to encourage you to do is be the person who says encouraging things. Man, we have the power to take someone's horrible day and put a little hope and love in it, simply by saying a couple of words. Compliment their appearance, or something you noticed them doing, or the way they lead- make sure it's true, of course- but be looking out for things you can say to show others love. It is an amazing way to show the love of Christ. And it could be your words that directs them into an incredible future. If my youth pastor and leaders never said those things to me, I would never have gotten this far. The same could be true for the kid sitting next to you in class, or that awkward guy at work. Just sayin.

SPEAK LIFE.

Also, if you get a sec... listen to relentless by audrye sessions. It's incredibly life giving.

Random Rant: stuck in the middle of conflict

Serious random question of the day: What do you do when a leader has unknowlingly hurt someone, that person tells you they've been hurt, but they don't want the leader to know? Kinda puts you in a pickle, huh? On one hand, the leader should know so the problem doesn't later affect his ministry, but on the other hand, you need to respect the privacy of the person who told you..... SHOOT!

I hate when leadership problems arise, and you're in the middle of them. There is no easy way to deal with it. i mean, obviously you could just stay out of the problem, but what if the problem just punches you in the face?

maybe a better way to handle them is with honesty. Maybe you can just throw you're hands in the air and say, "Hey, let's not keep this in the dark, everyone makes mistakes, let's talk about it and get to the bottom of everything."

Maybe it's important to deal with the core issue. The person could be having negative feelings on a new leader because they are comparing them to an old one. That's not fair to the new one at all, is it? How do you deal with these feelings? In a ministry, which is not as formal as a business, the person could have had strong bonds with the old leader that are not there in the new leader. That's understandably difficult. But how do you validate the person's loyalty to their former leader without causing disloyalty or conflict with the new one? NO CLUE!

That's my random rant. It wasn't about me this time, so that's nifty.

What i've learned: Importance of relationship in conflict

Today, I went to coffee with one of my students. We went to this place called Quixotic Coffee. Fancy coffee shops scare me like no other, because their menues are so unhelpful. It's like you need to understand secret coffee code to know how to order. Anyway, today I got a plain old mocha- it was super delicious, but still, ordering was the most stressful part of my day, and I had a stinkin dentist appointment! (Another thing that scares me- dentists never have good news)

This post isn't about coffee however. I have no authority in that subject haha. My friend Roy does. He has a blog about it. I don't know how you can possibly care enough about coffee and tea to blog about it, but he does. Impressive.

This post is about what it takes to have authority in someone's life. Ya see, today the student and I talked about some big decisions that they were preparing to make. It seemed like the choices they were making were innocent enough, but I know this student. He tries to make big decisions all the time- he tries to run all the time. So I was super honest with him. I told him that the decision he wanted to make was not a good one at all, that he was just trying to run again, and that it wasn't going to help. He thanked me for my honesty.

I'm not trying to toot my own horn here, i'm just saying that because I knew this student and had a real relationship with him, I was able to look at what he was doing and point out foot holds that were influencing his decisions.

The same thing happened to Jeff and I. If we didn't have some sort of relationship, I would not have respected anything he tried to point out to me in my life. When he was tough with me, I probably would have just left Oakhills, I would have been so pissed. But because I knew his heart, I took what he said to me seriously.

So basically, what i'm saying is is that before you judge someone, or point out flaws in a person, make sure you know them and are respected by them. Make sure what you are saying will be taken with love. Otherwise you are just being a jerk.

That's what i've learned.

Random thoughts......

Right now I am sitting at my mom's house, all alone. Well, actually, everyone is sleeping, but you get the point. To tell you the truth, alone is the last thing I want to be right now. It's been a long, weird weekend. The kind where nothing goes how you thought it would. The exhausting kind. I kinda feel like junk right now.

I will admit that a lot of this boils down to missed expectations- I've found that when people are frustrated or angry, that's usually why- I can't really explain what these expectations are, but I know they are there. Another part of it is that I wish I were close to my dad. I really need to talk to a guy right now, or a hug, or something. I texted some people to see if they could talk right now, but it being so late.... no one answered lol. So it's just me and my blog.

Do you ever get that feeling like you have a watery knot in your stomache, like your crying on the inside? Like you're not sure why, but you just wanna get it out? Yeah, TOTALLY have it right now. It started yesterday, after work, when I went to my house to find out a bunch of family stuff was going on. It kept going today, because I just wanted to spend time with some uplifting people, but I had meetings all day. So, it's steadily developed into this incredible illusion of loneliness that i'm feeling now. I wish I could talk to someone.

I know God is there, but this is me being real, and I kinda wish there was a person to talk to. I know, that's terrible.

My hope is that I will wake up tomorrow feeling better, enjoy my day off (YEAH MLK) and be happy. My fear is is that this is the beginning of another tough semester. I'm determined to not let that be the case. I want to be effective in God's kingdom. Being mopey doesn't do that. But hey, if you're awake, call me up. We can chat hahaha

Also, I finally got the guts to tell the other leaders about me being fired from interning. It was really tough, but I know it was the right thing to do. No more hiding myself :)

What I need to work on: My darn walls

Once upon a time, my mom was coming to visit me from North Carolina. I had been incredibly excited for two weeks- I loved when my mom came to visit. When the day came for her to come, I jumped out of bed. It felt like Christmas!

And then the call came.....

She wasn't coming.

And all of that excitement I felt was for nothing.

That was a really big disappointment. My mom had had to stay in North Carolina to take care of her husband. Did I feel unimportant?

A little. Haha this is not a "sob blog", i'm just explaining one instance where what I wanted, what I hoped for, was taken from me. One of many times.

And how did I react to these instances?

I started building walls.

If someone would let me down, or cancel out on me, or not talk to me for a while, I would just... pretend I didn't care. I would, in fact, make sure I cared less about whatever was happening than the other person. I would laugh it off, or said I had other plans anyway, or pretend that I didn't care that the person made me feel unimportant.

Heck, it worked. I was untouchable, unhurtable, invulnerable.

And a little bit lonely.

God has been working on this with me a lot lately. Holding your feelings in, pretending you don't care about your place in other's lives is ridiculous. We are meant to be in community- nice, open, and loving. Not holding our feelings inside so others will pretend I don't care.

I was reminded of this today, when a friend of mine said that tonight wouldn't work for hanging out. It wasn't a big deal, at all- I had plenty of other things to do, but for a split second I shut down. I started thinking things like, "I don't care, I didn't want to hang out with him anyway, he has important things to do." I got super bitter for no reason.

Then I realized that that is LITERALLY the stupidest thing ever! That's not loving, or right! I reevaluated myself, and figured out that I felt like I had been put on my friend's list of unimportant things, and it hurt. Then I realized that it was only in my own head that there WAS a list of unimportant things. I swallowed a humble pill, and let it go.

So that's my story.

Tear down the walls.

Why, Chai, why?

This post has nothing to do with anything. It's completely random. One day me and Pastor Roy dropped a student off at the airport. This story is about what happened after that, with a little creative license added in.

Once upon a time, in the magical land of Minnesota, there were two friends- a dashingly handsome, extremely talented young man named..... Roy ( ha, you thought I was gonna say me. But I didn't) and a young, eager, excitable boy named Jon. On their way back to Roy's Incredibly Huge Mansion, Roy decided to show his young apprentice a magical place that very few people new of. "It dwells within the belly of the Mauler of America", Roy said. Jon was terrified- he knew not what kind of place they were going to, but he certaintly did not want to go inside a Mauler- whatever that was.

Roy, however, as brave as always, saddled up his black vintage steed, threw Jon onto the back of the saddle, and galloped quickly across the barrens. Soon a huge, menacing shape rose up through the mist. It was a giant monster, who was constantly eating steeds and spitting them out. Jon screamed with fright, but Roy simply said, "Bring it, Leviathan!"

He charged straight into the monster's mouth- and then all went black.

When Jon woke up, he had no idea where he was. It seemed to be a little shop of some kind, with a kindly old man behind a counter. "I will have the most magical of beans", Roy said, placing money on the counter. Jon realized that the magical place inside the Mauler of the America was simply.... a coffee shop. "WHAT?" He yelled, "We risked our lives for a STUPID COFFEE SHOP?" Roy looked at him, horrified. The old man behind the counter suddenly stuck out a cup to Jon, and said, "Because you have insulted this moste magical of all coffee shops, you must drink this cursed Chai Tea."

Jon laughed. "Cursed? How can tea be cursed?" He took the cup, and took a big gulp. It was the most delicious thing he had ever tasted. "There is nothing wrong with this Chai old Man," he laughed," It is in fact incredibly delicious!" He payed for his drink, and then he and Roy left.

As they exited the rear end of the Mauler, Jon again tried to take a drink of his Chai- only this time, he spilled the tea all over his front! "Why Chai, why!" He wailed. But he still would not believe that his tea was cursed. So he tried again, and again, and again to drink his tea- but every time he would spill. By the time Roy and Jon reached Roy's Mansion,Jon was a sobbing wreck. "Why didn't I listen to the old man, why did I disrespect coffee? Now I will forever long for the taste of my Chai, and I shall never taste it again! Woe is me!"

The end.

Don't disrespect coffee shops that Roy takes you to. Almost none of that story was even close to what happened. In fact, it was incredibly stupid. If you read the whole thing, I am laughing at you. Then again, it was ME who typed it all up.....

what I love: Wildwood!!

I ALMOST talked about my passion for youth today.... but then I realized I couldn't talk about some of the most amazing students i've met without first talking about Wildwood. So here goes.

Tucked between the corn, Kum N' Goes, and windmills of Iowa is a secret little safe haven. It's a couple acres of horse stables, cabins, a mess hall, an art house, a lake, a water slide, random trails (my mom got lost in them once), and some random dogs. If you sit on the hill leading down to the lake at night, you can see every single star in the sky. It's like God is hovering straight over Wildwood Ranch, smiling down at it.

Yeah, cheesy right? But these are the kinds of feelings that Wildwood stirs in me. There is something beautiful about the place- the best way I can describe it is there are two types of Christian camps- One that talks ABOUT the Holy Spirit, and one that is FULL of the Holy Spirit. Wildwood is saturated with God's blessing. It's thick and powerful there. Which is good, because if it wasn't, it's purpose would be almost impossible.

Wildwood brings at-risk youth from all over Iowa and gives them a week of just being a kid. They work on team building, self-expression, and respect. They break down walls- really, really THICK walls- that the kids have built up.It's challenging and sometimes heart breaking to deal with these kids who only know how to act out of anger and hurt. They punch you, kick you, ignore you, say ridiculous things to you- all because they want to hurt you before you can hurt them. It's extremely sad.

But this is why I love the ranch- because the Spirit lives there. The Spirit is constantly working in the councelor's hearts, helping them love the kid's through the pain, through the hurt- love them like Christ. It is beautiful, and you can't help but be moved.

I have been there four times- twice with my church as a leader, and twice with some friends. Once you've been there once, you can't stay away. And every time i've gone, I have seen students that came with me turn into leader's. It's crazy, the most self-absorbed, quiet student instantly becomes a selfless leader. It's like as soon as they meet these kids who have been through hell, all of their own problems are lost, and they gain an earnest need to just love. And they do it so well! I was constantly impressed by students who just kept proving themselves to be capable of leadership!

I'm going to tell you a story of a Wildwood kid to close- it's sad, but I think it is important to recognize what these kid's go through.

There was a kid at the ranch who was having a really tough week. He kept getting in these ridiculous fights for no reason. No matter how many times that the counselors talked to him, he kept picking fights! Well one night after another fight, he ran away from his group. The counselors followed him, and found him at the basketball court.

He was trying to cut himself with rocks.

The counselors restrained him, and sat him down, and he just started crying and talking about how he had no friends and no one liked him. He said that he use to play basketball at home, and these kids would come up to him and take his ball, and then leave. He didn't have any friends, and he didn't know how to make them. Suddenly the way he was acting toward the other kids made a ton of sense- he wanted to make friends, he just didn't know how.

The rest of the week, the counselors paid extra attention to him. They made sure he knew he was valued, and he transformed into a smiling little boy. It was amazing.

And there are hundreds of stories like that- hundreds of broken kids who get to feel so much love for a week. This camp brings hope to the hopeless. This camp is Jesus in the flesh.

So, I know this is the longest post ever..... tomorrow will be a LOT shorter. It's gonna be Fun Friday, and i'm going to tell a "true" story called, "Why Chai, Why?"

Loook forward to it!