Wednesday, April 20, 2011

What they said...

One of my students told his dad he loved him today....

His dad just said ok.

And this makes me incredibly mad.
Because this student is incredible. I stinkin love him from the bottom of my heart. And he has and will continue to do incredible things for God.

But his dad won't say he loves him.

Maybe this isn't a big deal to you, but if I asked you to think of something that someone said to you that drastically shaped your life, for good or bad, I bet it wouldn't be too hard to think about it.

"It's your fault this happened."

"I'm leaving."

"You drove me to this."

"Your worse than your father."

Or maybe it was an action that shaped you.

Your mom moving across the country without you

Your dad working all the time and missing your games

Someone choosing the bottle over you

Someone choosing the guys over you

Someone important leaving you.
Forgetting about you.

And now, if something little happens that reminds you of that moment where your life seemed to stop mattering, you fall apart.
And it hurts, so terribly. And all you want is for someone to prove to you that that first thing isn't true.

To say you are loved where before you felt hated.
To show that you are worth time when before you were ignored.
To show that you have potential when before you were worthless.
To give you a hug.

I've been dealing with these little moments so much lately.

And even though people are often there to help, they aren't sometimes too.
And those times threaten to ruin all relationships i've been working on because my own self- doubt and worthlessness takes over.

And I just want someone to be there to tell me it's not true.

Please someone, let me know it's not true.

It's funny, because I can tell my student that I love him, and give him life.
But I can't do it for myself.

Just a long week

I dare you to fail one more time
and get back up and pretend your fine

I dare you to reach out, get shut down
and reach out again

I dare you to stay strong on your own
when there's no one there to help you do it

I dare you to put the past behind you
when it keeps hitting you in the face

I dare you to believe in yourself
when the world is giving you every reason not to

I dare you to not close up
I know you want to

I dare you to hope that someone cares
when your alone and no ones there

I dare you to believe in love

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I set people on fire.

I feel like I have this tendency to set fire to my relationships and watch them burn down.
I mean, I don't mean to, but if something happens that hurts, I kind of set fire to any potential threats. Relationships are always threatening.

I don't want to be like this- I hate hurting people, and not trusting people. Especially since in reality my life is going supes great.

But in my head it's like this never ending battle over whether I can trust this person and whether the relationship is worth it and it just keeps going and I don't reach any conclusions.....

this is happening now. I've been hurting, and lashing out at Roy and Jon mostly. And I hate it. they're probs so sick of me. I don't blame them.

But I want to make it better.... I hope I can.

I talked to Jeramy and Jeff last night and today. They helped a lot. I guess I just need to try to trust people.

But it's hard. Especially with Roy, and I don't know why.


But it'll be ok, it'll be good. BAM.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Relational walls

Tonight I got into a fight with my mom.

It was about.... well, it isn't important. But I really did have good intentions with her. But she took it the VERY wrong way (she often does) and said some really hurtful things. For example, she said that I was worse than my abusive ex-step dad.


So I was feeling miiiiiiighty crappy.

I needed someone to be there for me, to hug me, and just hang out with me. I know that sounds dumb, but what the hey.

So I called Jeff (probs a bad place to start)
And he didn't answer. Which got me more bummed out- but it's Jeff, so I wasn't really expecting him to answer.
Then I called Roy. He was at a dinner.
Even more bummed out. In fact, very bummed out.
So I called Jon Sanchez. And he answered.
But, see, what I needed was comfort, and his physical presence.
I needed him to be there. And he did very much try to help. But he is very intellectual... so he wanted to talk through what i was feeling and rationalize it.
But that's not what I needed.

What I needed was someone to be there. Like, in the flesh, hugging me and just BEING.
That's what i've always needed when I fall apart.

Someone to be there.

But now i'm at NCU, and my roommates gone, and no one is here to help me trough my moms dumb freak out.
And I can feel the relational walls coming up again.

Can I trust Jeff?

Does it make sense to question these relationships right now?
maybe not.
But I am.

It seems like for all my efforts to just let people in, there is always something there to keep me back.

Friday, April 8, 2011

The midnight hour.

This is a midnight hour.

When you come to a realization- a wrong realization, incredibly incorrect- that you are alone.
What I mean is is that tonight my roommate is gone, and everyone else is busy. And i'm here dealing with these insecurities which for some reason decided to rear their big ugly heads today.

And i'm looking at the bar which is on the left side on my browser. It shows my favorite people- I get all their updates and stuff. And its my top five guys- my heroes.

And i'm sitting here, and I can't understand what the point of it is. Why do I care about these guys? Why do I want to depend on them?
Because I can't, at least not now.

Not at the midnight hour.

And that sucks.

I want to ask for their attention, to say, "Hey, I need you RIGHT NOW."
But I don't want to be needy.
And I don't want to face the chance that they won't be there.


Why the heck am I putting trust in these guys hands? I know that some of them have earned it- but have they all? And will they earn it in the future? What if they let me down?

I can't handle it.

I feel like they've let me down tonight, even though i know it's my fault.

Hence the midnight hour.

Who really cares?
Who really wants to help, to guide me?
Maybe I shouldn't ask these questions......
I'm frustrated.
I don't know what relationships are worth the effort.
I'm confused.

But this is just the midnight hour.

I wroted something down...

It's funny that i'm angry
at what I couldn't say
but it's burning bright and constant
like some devil's ray

will you peer into the sun?
into the hurricane?
will you search for the eye of the storm?

Because I am there.

I have sent out this anger and sorrow
this burning storm
because I thought you could take it
and if you won't brave the weather
than this was all a waste
and I conjured up all of this
for naught

I am as confused and lost
as you are
I am hoping we can figure it out

I am hoping that you care enough

I am as confused and lost as you are

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

A great night

Tonight was a great night.

I stinkin preached at youth group!

And I didn't totally SUCK!

I know I didn't do super, by any means....
but I got my message across.

And I wasn't a nervous wreck.

Which was incredibly affirming- the fact that I got to speak into the lives of these students that I LOVE, and I didn't SUCK- it makes me realize that this is exactly where God wants me... and whats more, i'm doing something RIGHT.

Or rather, God is doing something right IN me.....

I was super thankful for this opportunity. I hope that those kids understood God's passionate love for them, and how it's our responsibility to show it to others.

I hope they'll understand that.

Another thing, is that my family came.
I don't know what that means, but it was super cool to be able to have them there for the first time I preached.

And Jeramy, and Jon Sanchez, and Roy were there. Jeff texted me to wish me good luck. It was just one of those amazing, affirming nights.

Thank you Lord.

Just a little thing....
I think that I wish I got to really hang out with Roy sometimes. Like, on wednesdays, he's always spending time with other people, and he has super great relationships with them.

And I think it bugs me because I feel like we don't spend a lot of genuine time together, except during our meetings. And i'm not really sure where our relationship stands. It frustrates me, to be honest.

But those are just my insecurities.......

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Dear friend

Dear friend,

I have thought a lot about this, well, as much as I think about anything.
You see, its obvious that you have done a lot for me-
the talks, conversations, counseling, words of encouragement. The finances, the opportunities, the tough love.

I am so grateful for it. I can truly say that you have helped make me who I am today. I cannot ask for anymore, you've given me so much already. But of course I hope for more. It has become obvious that I do not need you- I only need Christ. But I do very much want you in my life. I can't imagine it without you.

This is the truth.

So please, don't leave me. I know we have ups, and downs, and I am a down right wreck sometimes. But I believe in friendship, I believe that there is a part of divine love that is shown in it, and I believe that ours has incredible value.

May I be honest? You give me so much, yet I feel like I give you nothing. And I am truly sorry for that. I hope to give you whatever I can, because you mean a lot to me. Just ask, and I will do my best.

Please, ask.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Busy days, busy days...

I almost didn't write a post.

Truth is, most of my posts are short and thoughtless.


it's because i'm so darn busy.

I have good intentions, but no time.

I promise a good entry will come eventually.

Today, I went to all my classes, and chapel, and met with Roy (love the guy) and worked out, and worked, and did homework.

and I didn't nap.

WOW, I feel so stinkin successful!

Unfortuneately, it didn't even make a dent in the work I have to do tomorrow....

oh, busy days..... busy days.

I do want to talk about how important quality time is to me.

But i'm too tired.


Sunday, April 3, 2011

I hate greek/ i'm excited

Today I officially decided to try this healthy thing, for real. I'm pretty excited. I have always like looking and feeling good- it's just that usually i'm too busy or lazy.

It may be a mistake that i'm starting this healthy thing on an incredibly busy week. I'm preaching on wednesday, I have a paper on a book I didn't read due tuesday, and i'm back to full on Greek Week.

I hate Greek.

But i'm pretty excited about this working out thing, and excited about my sermon.

I'm excited.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Adele's "Someone like you"

I'm being super lazy and only posting this song. It is my new favorite, so beautiful.

Today I bought Love Wins. Super excited to read it. I'll let you know what I think.

Friday, April 1, 2011

The Usual

Ben was sitting at the dinner table, slowly consuming the lasagna his wife had made from a cardboard box in the freezer. It had been an ordinary day- he had woken up at seven, as usual, driven to the bakery, as usual. Traffic wasn't too bad, as usual, and his receptionist was wearing the usual grey skirt and jacket. Business had gone smoothly as usual, as well as the traffic home. And now, he was listening to his wife go on about her day- as usual. "I got that new synthetic butter at the store today- it's supposed to be better for you, and you know you could stand to lose a few pounds dear. And don't forget to put your suit in the laundry, I just got a fresh one all ironed out. Do you like the lasagna? It's a new brand." In fact he did not like the lasagna. But to say anything would be to ruin the usualness of everything, and he was not very fond of that idea. After dinner, they retired to the foyer,as usual, and watched the evening news, as usual. They then went to their bedroom, as usual, and read two very dry, boring novels- as usual. It was after the lights went out, and Ben was staring at the cieling, that it happened. It was as if something had taken the frame of his mind, and given it a great shake. All of a sudden he had an intense awareness. At first, he was only more aware of himself. He could feel every single inch of his body vibrating with life, he could hear the beat of his heart as loud as a drum, the breathes that he was taking as loud as the ocean. And then he began to feel other things- things he had not felt for a long time. First a flood of joy when he remembered all the good in his life- his first dog, when he got his car, when he graduated college, and when he got married. Then, a surge of sadness, when he remembered how his dog had died, when his degree lead to no job, and when his marriage began to fall apart. And finally, a tinge of fear- though of what, he could not say. Then he became aware of even more things. He could feel his wife so clearly- he could taste her hopes; how she wanted a child, how she wanted a bigger house, how she wanted all of Ben's love. He could also taste the bitterness of her disappointment. She was baren, stuck in this neighborhood with no friends, and try as she might, she knew Ben never loved her. He felt a singe of guilt. He began to feel the consciousness of all of his neighbors- he felt every hope of a promotion, or a proposal, or a new born, or a hundred other things. He felt the hurt of rejection, loss, and death. At this point tears began to stream down his face. he could not take this- he could not handle knowing all of this pain- it was too much! But his awareness kept growing. He could now sense whole counties of people, all hoping, all hurting. Except now he could see that they were trying to fix their hurts. But they were doing it all wrong. And as whole states of people swam into his mind, he saw what they were doing- they were going form house to house, looking for love in all the wrong places. They were drowning their hurts in alcohol, in drugs. They were phyically hurting themselves to make the real pain seem smaller. 'Stop!" Ben cried, "Can't you see you're making it worse!" But no one listened. And as whole nations cluttered his being, he began to scream, to wail- anything to tell them to stop hurting themselves. "There's got to be another way!" He cried, "Stop trying to do it yourselves!" He was in utter despair, now seeing the whole planet of humanity trying to heal their hurts by hurting themselves even more. "There's nothing I can do.... they won't listen." And as he said this, he became aware of another presence- not human, but even bigger. It was giant, massive, infinite in it's power. And the weight of it's heart for the poor confused people was more than Ben could handle. The incredible pressure being forced upon him was tearing him apart- such sadness, such love. It was crushing Ben- every thought and emotion in him was dwarfed, destroyed by this behemoth of love. And then Ben woke up.