Saturday, April 9, 2011

Relational walls

Tonight I got into a fight with my mom.

It was about.... well, it isn't important. But I really did have good intentions with her. But she took it the VERY wrong way (she often does) and said some really hurtful things. For example, she said that I was worse than my abusive ex-step dad.


So I was feeling miiiiiiighty crappy.

I needed someone to be there for me, to hug me, and just hang out with me. I know that sounds dumb, but what the hey.

So I called Jeff (probs a bad place to start)
And he didn't answer. Which got me more bummed out- but it's Jeff, so I wasn't really expecting him to answer.
Then I called Roy. He was at a dinner.
Even more bummed out. In fact, very bummed out.
So I called Jon Sanchez. And he answered.
But, see, what I needed was comfort, and his physical presence.
I needed him to be there. And he did very much try to help. But he is very intellectual... so he wanted to talk through what i was feeling and rationalize it.
But that's not what I needed.

What I needed was someone to be there. Like, in the flesh, hugging me and just BEING.
That's what i've always needed when I fall apart.

Someone to be there.

But now i'm at NCU, and my roommates gone, and no one is here to help me trough my moms dumb freak out.
And I can feel the relational walls coming up again.

Can I trust Jeff?

Does it make sense to question these relationships right now?
maybe not.
But I am.

It seems like for all my efforts to just let people in, there is always something there to keep me back.

1 comment:

  1. Jonathan,while I didn't know it at the time I now understand you felt like you needed someone's physical presence and comfort, I will act accordingly in the future. But at the same time I hope you can at least consider trusting me and my judgment as well. At least a little bit. I love you Jonathan. I'm here for you. But sometimes that means that I can't do things exactly the way you want to do them, either because I simply can’t or because I choose not to.

    I'm sorry I disappointed you. I hope we can eventually get to a place where you can trust me enough to be open to me taking you somewhere other than where you want to go.