What i've learned: My "core issue".

Fact: I write better blogs when i'm feeling good about life, because then i'm not writing out of raw emotion, and I can think a lot better about what I want to say.

Fact: I am incredibly blessed, in every way. I go to a great school, have a job, get to be a part of an amazing church, have a great family, and have a bunch of guys in my life who care about me.

I realize this, I do. In fact, sometimes I look at this and get confused as to why life seems tough. Why am I going through all this stuff?

I got it now, though. It's really just one thing. one root to all of my internal struggles.

Just one.

I don't trust these guys that are trying to speak into my life.

At all.

And it's not that I don't want to- heck, there is nothing more that I want than to be able to trust the relationships I have with Jeff, Roy, and Jon. But I don't. And this mistrust of "mentors" or whatever you call them- leaders- has brought so much junk into my life.

Every feeling of inadequacy and hurt can be pinned down to not feeling good enough for these kind of relationships.

But i'm trying. I keep throwing myself into these relationships, hoping that each time I will want to run a little less, that i'll be a little less angry. Sometimes it feels like i'm doing better. I can talk to Jeff without freaking out, Jon and my relationship is great, and these feelings of inadequacy are further and far between. But sometimes I still get angry. When Roy imposes rules that I don't agree with, or when I think about how Jeff left, I get incredibly discouraged.

And I know it shows, and I know that these guys don't always understand it. I know I look like a "bad" kid, or damaged goods, whenever these feelings surface. I wish I could sit these guys down (ha, wouldn't it be cool if I had a "Jonathan Council" where all of my favorite guys got together and talked about life with me?) and tell them the truth- that it's when i'm in these revolting moods that I need them most.

I don't know how I can feel secure in these relationships. Maybe words, actions- I don't know. All I DO know is that now that I understand what's wrong, I feel a lot better with everything else.

And I know that I love these guys, and I appreciate them, the best I can. I hope they know that.

I'm pretty sure that Roy and Jon will see this. Jeff won't , but maybe I can tell him....