And then the call came.....
She wasn't coming.
And all of that excitement I felt was for nothing.
That was a really big disappointment. My mom had had to stay in North Carolina to take care of her husband. Did I feel unimportant?
A little. Haha this is not a "sob blog", i'm just explaining one instance where what I wanted, what I hoped for, was taken from me. One of many times.
And how did I react to these instances?
I started building walls.
If someone would let me down, or cancel out on me, or not talk to me for a while, I would just... pretend I didn't care. I would, in fact, make sure I cared less about whatever was happening than the other person. I would laugh it off, or said I had other plans anyway, or pretend that I didn't care that the person made me feel unimportant.
Heck, it worked. I was untouchable, unhurtable, invulnerable.
And a little bit lonely.
God has been working on this with me a lot lately. Holding your feelings in, pretending you don't care about your place in other's lives is ridiculous. We are meant to be in community- nice, open, and loving. Not holding our feelings inside so others will pretend I don't care.
I was reminded of this today, when a friend of mine said that tonight wouldn't work for hanging out. It wasn't a big deal, at all- I had plenty of other things to do, but for a split second I shut down. I started thinking things like, "I don't care, I didn't want to hang out with him anyway, he has important things to do." I got super bitter for no reason.
Then I realized that that is LITERALLY the stupidest thing ever! That's not loving, or right! I reevaluated myself, and figured out that I felt like I had been put on my friend's list of unimportant things, and it hurt. Then I realized that it was only in my own head that there WAS a list of unimportant things. I swallowed a humble pill, and let it go.
So that's my story.
Tear down the walls.
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