What i've learned: Mistakes are inevitable, regret shouldn't have to be

I had no intention of talking about this..... I was gonna talk about fun stuff, like not taking yourself seriously, and how Lost is NOT ABOUT STINKIN PURGATORY. But this is what came out of my brain instead.

Have you ever made a huge, ugly mistake? You know the feeling you get, like your whole world is turned upside down, like your suddenly in a Twilight Zone episode that never ends. That feeling like somehow everything is wrong, even to the lighting of the room your in, or the voice of the person your talking to, or how the person who you used to look to for guidance is the one that's pointing out your mistake, and you can only sit there and take it?

That is not a fun feeling, or a fun place to be. But we've all done stupid stuff before. And the funny thing is, you don't realize you could've prevented it until AFTER it happened. Like God decided to give you this little insight a little too late. (Thanks, Big Guy. Just kidding)

Anyway, I haven't really talked about this much to a lot of people. But I had a moment like this not so long ago.

You see, I had an amazing opportunity the last couple of months. I was the Family Life Intern at my church, first of its kind. I got to lead Missions Trips, bring kids to camp, pray with them, love them. See God move in their lives. I got to sit in at staff meetings, go to birthday lunches, go to youth group meetings. It was cool, amazing- it was my dream since I was a student.

Buuuuut, me being the perfect, amazing person I am, I absolutely dashed all that into the ground. Dramatic, right?

As i've already said, i've visited a lot of my dark places the last couple months. Wouldn't recommend that whilst going to college and being an intern. too much junk. Anyway, I was in a pretty ugly place. It was important that I went there, because i'm better for it, but nonetheless. I took it into my internship. I was an idiot, I was a jerk- I ruined it.

And so, one night after youth group, Pastor Jeff called me into his office with Pastor Roy, and basically... fired me. It was a nightmare. I already described it, but it felt like everything was wrong. The people who I wanted to turn to were the ones who were making this happen. It was terrible.

I went outside and walked down the street, and I just broke down. I sat on a hill and cried, and asked God why He let me go through all of this stuff, and after that make me lose the one thing that I still had going for me. I walked back to the church and cried into Jeramy and Nick's arms for another thirty minutes. That was my absolute lowest point. Not proud of it. The next day I skipped all my classes and stayed in bed til work. (Also not a great decision)

anyhoo, that was the mistake. I know it was my fault that I got let go. I let my personal battles get in the way of an internship that I really did care about. I deserved what happened.

But then there's the regret. Even today, I regret so much about the situation.

I regret being as selfish as I was.

I regret taking advantage of Oakhills.

I regret the fact that I will probably never be a official intern at Oakhills again.

But most of all, I regret that I let Jeff and Roy down.

I think about it every day. Which honestly surprises me. But it's the biggest mistake I have ever made. Funny thing is, I know i'll make bigger.

And that's the thing about regret- if I really regretted everything i've ever done wrong in the past, I would be a wreck. And it only keeps coming. So I think the truth is, is that we are supposed to simply LEARN from our mistakes, and then let them go. Regret robs us of the lessons that can be learned from the dumb things we do.

There is a silver lining to the situation. I have been forgiven. By God, by Jeff, by Roy, by Jen Galley (she's the kids pastor). I still work in the youth group, I still work at kid's church. I STILL get to see God impact kid's lives. And to be honest, I still get to play a bigger part in youth group than I ever have. I might not have the tag of an intern, but I have the heart. I just want to serve, and I know I messed up the intern thing, but that doesn't mean I want to serve any less.

The only thing that sucks is that this means that I will definitely someday have to leave Oakhills. You see, I need an internship for my major in college, and since I can't get it at Oakhills.....

But i'll worry about that when it comes.

So here's what i've learned. Mistakes happen, and sometimes they hurt. But what matters is not the regret, but the lesson that can be learned. Bam.