When it's a messy separation, the cut is bigger.
And the older you get without addressing the cut, the more and more it bleeds.
I have definitely had my fair share of bleeding. My parents were never together, and while they are all great, the way they acted towards each other when I was a kid affects me to this day. My step mom and bio-mom have absolutely despised each other ever since I can remember. If they read this, they might not like it, but here's the thing- they both say they are willing to work it out, and yet they still say crap about each other. Funny how that works,huh?
I remember as a kid feeling extremely guilty no matter where I was. If I was with my mom, I felt like I was making my dad and step mom sad. If I was with my dad, I felt like I was making my mom sad. It was ridiculous. No matter what I constantly had that sense that something was wrong, that something was broken, and that I had to fix it.
I know now that I was just a kid- that nothing I did could fix it, that I shouldn't have had to try to fix it. I shouldn't have had to try to be perfect to be loved, to pretend like I had it all together so I would be liked. I know that having separated parents doesn't seem to correlate to all that, but it does.
My parents tried to make a stable home, but something was always off. Maybe it was just off to me, because the relationship with my bio-mom was so complicated, but it was never right. I was SO insecure because of this lack of belonging anywhere. I was shy to strangers, extremely loud to my friends. I was obnoxious, because if I was loud then no one would know everything going on in the inside.
Jesus saved me though. Many times actually. He continually used people to show me the stability and love that was somehow lost to me. He gave me the courage and belief that I WAS worth something, and that I could be loved and wanted.
This realization changed everything. It still IS changing everything. Because even though I know I am worth SO MUCH, and loved SO MUCH- I still struggle with doubts. Sometimes the feelings of loneliness and insecurity bowl me over like a tidal wave, and i'm left drowning in the wake. I hate these times- it's almost impossible to pull myself out by myself. That's when- that's why mentors matter so much to me. They are there to remind me God loves me, that He has a hope and plan for me.
So,yeah, I need a buttload of affirmation, but that's because right now I need a buttload of reminders that God loves me.
I also need people to just give me time.... give me their time. That would mean more than anything.
I want to end this on a positive note. I was originally gonna talk about my love of da youth, but I didn't. So I will say that my experience of God using adults in my life to communicate His love has led me to do the same- I love being there for students. God has such great plans for every one of them. Each one is unique and amazing in their own way- it's my job to make sure they know that. BAM. That's all I got for now.
Oh wait- I know something else I want. I like blogging because you can say whatever you want and no one can get mad at you.... UGLY POOP LIP...see? Anyway, I want a retreat with an older guy. So he can teach me about God and stuff. Super lame huh? I already know God.... but still..... this is my dream. Don't dash it.
No comments:
Post a Comment