I had a really stinkin bad panic attack last night. I can't even really understand why, but it was terrible. I mean, it's definitely because I feel like something needs to change. I feel like I need to become more of a leader, but at the same time I need to be lead. It's a tricky thing. And God wants me to do something new, but I don't know what, because I have always been offered opportunities by God through people, and even though I feel like something needs to change, none of those opportunities are coming.
And it's not like i'm sad or anything. Heck, like i've already said, I loved this weekend. I'm just lost and a little directionless right now, because I don't know what to DO.
Also, i've been worrying a lot lately that I will never we able to be who I need to be to be able to be successful. It's a funny fear, I know, but I always feel like i'm destined to mess something up. And I would love for someone to teach me how to be successful, how to get a good job and balance all the pieces of my life, but no one can do that. So I get frustrated, because i'm trying really hard to do this right, but it feels like i'm always screwing up.
Anyway, I texted my top 5 last night and asked for affirmation. Some of them gave me pretty good stuff, one called, and I talked to one for a while on facebook. Thanks guys, I was frustrated. I still am, but ya just gotta push through.
Jeff reminded me how God uses the messed up people all the time in the Bible. Last night he told me to read Phillipians 4:13-
I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
I keep repeating that to myself today. I just need to get through this week, and then its spring break. Then I can think things through. Ha.
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