A very messy statement on fathers...

My dad used to work late into the night.

Sometimes, when I was younger, and I woke up in the middle of the night scared, I would just lay there and wait until I heard my dad open the door of the house, stomp the snow off his boots, clear his throat, and shut the front door. As soon as he was home, I knew I was safe, and I went straight back to sleep.

I don't know why my dad and I stopped being close as I grew up. Maybe it was that he always seemed either to be working or sleeping, maybe it was that we just didn't have any similar interests. Maybe it was the whole "God thing" that I was into. To be honest, it didn't really bother me for a long time.

But then it did. Then hard things started coming at me- college planning, stuff with my mom, questions about life. And I couldn't go to my dad to help me out. Because he was busy with work, or something else. Maybe I just didn't think he knew me enough to have a valid opinion.

And now- man, I need a dad. And it sucks that I honestly don't feel close enough to mine to consider him someone I can really talk to, or be affectionate with. That sounded weird. woops.

And don't get me wrong, I have guys in my life who tell me what I need to hear-

I love you,

I'm proud of you,

- But I wish my own dad would say those things, and know me enough where they meant something. This is a terrible post, because I can't articulate all of my thoughts, but what I want- what I really want, after I've had a stressful week, and I feel like I have a whole bunch of weight on my shoulders, is to know that I belong to a man, and that that man believes in me and loves me no matter what. I want a hug.

Someday i'll make it right with my own dad- but really, right now I just want to be taken care of by a guy. And I don't mean that in a gay way! lol. I just mean I need time, and commitment. Things I probably can't get. And maybe I need to mourn this whole relationship and move on. But it's hard. Because I should feel confident in my dad. I should know he's proud me. He should spend time with me. But he doesn't. And there's this ache in my stomache, like I so badly need to belong, but I can't, no matter what, because I don't belong to my dad.....

But I know he loves me. And I know that other guys love me. And I know that when I go to church tomorrow i'm at least going to get a hug. It's dumb how much those help me lol.

And there is Abimael.

Thank you Jesus.