Here's the thing. I didn't want to do this post tonight, but I don't have the drive to do anything else, so here goes....
This is by far the most real and honest i've been in a long time. I'm really not comfortable with this post to be honest, it's like staring at myself in a mirror and focusing on the BIGGEST ZIT ON MY FACE, and then making everyone else focus on it too. Well, here goes-
So I reread the book Father Fiction by Donald Miller this week- it's by far my favorite, for many reasons. I love the way Don Miller writes, it's conversational and blaringly honest- which kind of makes me want to be just as honest. Anyway, there is a chapter in the book about authority- a very very challenging chapter on authority. in it, Don talks about how growing up he always had trouble with authority. He said because he didn't have a relationship with his father, he always operated out of a sense of inferiority and hurt. And when another man would try to put authority over him, he would not realize that that man was doing it out of love, but that he simply wanted authority because he desired power. Don always looked for his dad in these men, and because they were not his dad, he resented them for it. He said that whenever a man would give him a command, he would get incredibly angry at him on the inside, and dream about yelling at him and storming off.
He said that this was one of his biggest regrets- that he wished he would have realized that he shouldn't have expected these men to be his dad, but that he should have taken any guidance and love they gave as a gift.
Ooooooooh that's hard to hear.
You see, when I was an intern at good 'ole Oakhills, I was dealing with family issues. So, at the time, I was looking for family. Me being the big dummy I am started looking at Jeff to be my replacement dad- more or less haha, I didn't actually say that. But the thing is, Jeff isn't my dad. And me trying to see him that way only hurt me. I remember I would get so angry at him for no reason- when he wouldn't communicate with me, when he just expected me to do stuff without any input or recognization, when he wouldn't be there on wednesdays during the day because he was busy. I constantly felt like he didn't care about me, like he was just using me. Man, sometimes I just hated the guy, and I hated that I hated him, and I hated that I didn't get along with my family, and I hated that no one cared, and I hated that I just wanted someone to care, but no one would. I hated that I depended on Jeff, but he didn't care.
But here's the thing- I was a freakin idiot! Hahaha. It was never Jeff's responsibility to do anything for me. It wasn't his responsibility to take care of me. And as much as I hate to say it, all of my anger at him was misplaced and pointless. He's just a guy- nothing more. And I was an idiot for trying to depend on him. I think about all he did give me- an internship that I wasted, for example- and I realize what a D-bag I was. I was so selfish and bitter. I just wanted attention. And I hate that I did that. I was operating out of these huge misplaced emotions, and I ruined everything. I know this is messed up, and angry- trust me. But i'm being honest. More honest than I have been with myself like, ever.
And so I have to apologize- to so many people, because of my authority problems. But i'm learning, I swear. I'm facing up to my problems, and I promise that I will win against them. Jeff is not my dad, Jon Sanchez is not my dad, Nick Gray? Nope. Jeramy Wheeler? Roy? Not even old enough. I don't look at most of these people like my dad anyway, but for some reason I do feel like i'm entitled to something with them.
The truth is i'm not. They owe me nothing- no attention, no affection, no favors. Anything they give me is a gift, and I need to be grateful for that.
I'm learning this, but sometimes it's still hard. All I can ask for is these people have patience with me. I'm learning to grow up and man up, but it might take a while.
I wish I would have realized this before I messed my internship up, but..... better late than never. I feel like this post is incomplete, but I don't know what else to write.
If you are one of the people I mentioned by name, i'm sorry. Please give me another chance.
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